Math nerds of the world, unite!

Just do it somewhere else where I won’t catch it from you.

Allergy season is kicking my ass. Or as my buddy Jason puts it, TREES ARE FUCKING IN MY EYES. I only started having these allergies a few years ago, and before that I used to laugh at other people who had them. Now I have become one of the weak. It’s a cruel joke that Bitch Nature plays on us in the spring – the few weeks out of the year we have perfect temperatures, it has to come with the feeling that your head is slowly melting away. Oh yeah and get this, I just got a prescription for Allegra and I’m reading through the directions, and one of the possible side effects is nasal congestion. NASAL CONGESTION.

HEY TREES, GET A ROOM

My little sister-in-law Sharon (of Israeli prime minister fame) recently got glasses, a few months ago, and she wasn’t particularly happy about it. Just a quick true story as told by my other sister-in-law Amy: the two of them were in the car together one day, and Sharon looked up at the sky and asked, “Why is that blimp so blurry?” Amy replied, “That’s a cloud, Sharon.”

Poor, blind Sharon.

Congrats to Holly for winning the aLp Haiku Contest. All 3 of her haiku submissions were good enough to win in my book:

I will volunteer
as Abe’s girlfriend for the week
and Preston can watch.

Men who don’t have eyes
can’t see how fat my ass is.
I was meant for Abe.

When the cockroaches
think they have a you problem
you know you’re ugly.

Holly wins the new Predator: Concrete Jungle video game, if she wants it. If she doesn’t, she wins 10 ALP DOLLARS! Approximate monetary value: $0.00.

Sorry about the missed update on Friday. I was torn between extending the Abe Vigoda joke and going back to Preston’s storyline and after I’d gone too far on the former, I decided I didn’t like it and then it was too late to whip up another one. You’ll get to see the unfinished Abe Vigoda sequel as the basis for the new contest though.

Going to the eye doctor is like the easiest doctor’s appointment you can have; the guy asks you if you can see the chart, he says do you like this one better, or this one better, and you’re done. But I remember as a wee lad going one day, my mom said I was going to take an eye test, and then classroom instinct kicked in and I started stressing. Before I got into the chair, I tried memorizing the entire eye chart – yeah, cheating – so that I’d ace the damn test. Of course, when I was in the chair and trying to recite the letters back from memory, I forgot all of ‘em, and started making all sorts of shit up. Whether the doctor thought I was blind or just retarded, he gave me glasses that were literally made out of coke bottles and then I REALLY couldn’t see straight for years.plo

If you get the last panel, then you’re old, like me. It’s a reference to the classic Twilight Zone episode, Eye of the Beholder. Where this girl has an operation to fix her ugliness, but it doesn’t work, and she is exiled to live with the rest of the ugly people. Only at the end of the episode it turns out we’re being Punk’d! and this is opposite world – the “normal” people are actually hideous pig-like creatures and she’s beautiful. I think the message of this one was something about blondes being naturally hot and that they never need plastic surgery, or maybe that pigs are viable romantic partners… I’m not sure. Also the whole show was in black and white! What was the deal with that.

Speaking of which, Golden Earring’s Twilight Zone is one of my all-time favorite songs from the ’80s.

CASH MONEY HOES

Pile on the dead presidents! We’re selling out. If you enjoy the free nonsense I churn out every week, why not show your support by Donating to my tip jar via PayPal.

Did I mention my wife and I are having twins? I imagine the therapy they’re gonna need’s gonna be expensive.

Here’s a list of some other stuff I’ve got my eye on that you can help me out with.

- This
- this
- this
- and then this: Google “negro” and check out the first link that comes up.

I love doing aLp and it’ll ALWAYS BE FREE. But if you want to donate some dough to help me keep bringin the insanity… I won’t stop you. Thanks, I love you all.

For the record, midget supposedly refers to a “short but normally proportioned person”, and dwarf denotes “disproportionate shortness”. Both terms are considered offensive. So I apologize to all the little people out there. Especially Spud Webb.

Speaking of Spud, here’s a little bonus for ya: the highlights/story of Spud Webb winning the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk contest (8 Mb .wmv video – right-click and “Save as”). The fact that he was able to do this is nothing short (ha!) of awe-inspiring.

Hey, according to his official website, you can “book Spud for your Next Event”! What a great idea for kids’ birthday parties.

Happy 100th episode… In honor of today I’m announcing the aLp HAIKU Contest. Basically, no rules, besides standard haiku rules, and you can post multiple haikus, just don’t spam the damn forum. Not sure what I can give away for prizes, or if I can even give away anything… who knows. Just have fun. Your haikus can be about anyhing – aLp, not aLp – they can be funny, or deep, or sad… I’ll tell you what, if you can make me cry with a haiku you automatically win.

Check out the haikus so far…

p.s. Another contest’s comin’, for all you artists out there…

p.p.s. Also, I’m turning off guest-posting access in the forums. About damned time, huh?