I’m posting this update from the courthouse, where I’ll be all day waiting to see if I get picked to be on a trial jury. Everyone says act crazy so they won’t pick you, but… no that’s just what they’ll be expecting. Instead (if I get picked) I’m gonna be the BEST JUROR EVER and put all these other punkass jurors on their asses. I’ll be raising my right hand the highest and yelling things like SUSTAINED and I’LL ALLOW IT louder than anyone else. In the end they’ll have no choice but to award me the Nobel Jury Duty Prize.

God, kill me now

As I mentioned on Friday… I’ll be running sweepstakes over at the aLp Facebook page every week. Become a fan, click the “Reviews” tab at the top, write a short review, and you’ll be entered in a random drawing for a free aLp fridge magnet! The new winner will be announced on Friday. Thanks and good luck!

Reminder: Follow me on Twitter, become a fan at the aLp page on Facebook, hang out on the official aLp forums.

Friday comic! Let’s see if I can keep writing about Christmas until February.

HEY, I’m trying something new… I’ll be running sweepstakes over at the aLp Facebook page every week. Become a fan, click the “Reviews” tab at the top, write a short review, and you’ll be entered in a random drawing for a free aLp fridge magnet! I just announced the winner of the first drawing over there. Thanks and good luck!

Another new comic coming on Friday!

Happy New Year!!! Yeah I’m still here. Aside from all the problems I told you about that were conspiring to keep me from making any comics, I enjoyed the hell out of the holidays. It was the first time in years where I just shut my brain off for 2 weeks. Spent a lot of time with family, and with Elaine, and with my brother. I’m back and gearin to go though… my computer’s still doing that blue-screen b.s. but I managed to get it to boot by just ripping out one of the memory chips so I could throw today’s strip together for you. Since it’s down 2gb now, the machine’s a bit sluggish but at least it works.

My resolution for 2010 is to not stress out so much all the time about everything. So I’m not gonna flip out that it’s January and I’m still doing comics about Christmas. I hope it’s not too weird but hey, fuck it.

It ain’t news that there’s Christian themes in LOTR (though the things I mentioned in the strip are all on the secular side of Xmas); I did want an excuse to wish a happy birthday, actually, to J.R.R. Tolkien himself (January 3). I was actually invited to a party to celebrate (yeah really), but I didn’t go, because I was afraid of having TOO MUCH FUN.

I think I’m starting to confuse some of you newer folks with this alternate reality / time travel storyline. If you haven’t been following along, you can start from back here to quickly get caught up. Or go further back to when Corinna first comes back into the picture. If you couldn’t tell, my style’s evolving, consciously or not, for better or not. Hope you’re enjoying, and sorry for the growing pains.

Lastly, to repeat: NEW COMIC FRIDAY. Today’s strip was originally part of another full-pager I was hacking away at, cuz I wanted to finish all the Christmas stuff asap, but then I remembered when someone once suggested that since my full-pagers usually had a lot of jokes I could split ‘em up into smaller, faster updates. Also see above about the not stressing about Christmas thing. So here you go. See ya back here Friday…

Edit, Tue., Dec. 29, 2009: Howdy folks… I’m tryin’ to work on the next comic… but my computer’s still busted… and also, I ate so much over the Christmas weekend that I can no longer move. I’m doin’ the best I can on it but it’s gonna be delayed indefinitely… in any case, HAPPY NEW YEAR…

I went heavy on the Jesus jokes there didn’t I…

It’s been a rough, rough last few weeks in the comic-making department… not only did I have to miss last week but you wouldn’t believe how many things conspired against me in trying to get this episode to you. Just when I was finishing it up a freak accident happened and I lost like half of the work I’d done. And now, separately, my computer’s pulling that blue screen crap you see here, and it won’t boot.

So… yeah like I said it’s been rough. And guess what… I’d made up my mind to do ANOTHER, FULL-PAGE update this week, to make up for last week, and also, well, it has to do with Christmas (though believe it or not Jesus’ return was initially coincidental, and unrelated to the season). Now with my computer being all busted I don’t know if that’s gonna happen. If it doesn’t (by Friday), I’m faced with putting up a Christmas-themed comic after Dec. 25… how lame is that. Anyway. BLArGh

That “Calgon take me away” line was the first random thing that popped into my head when I was writing that panel, and after it all, sure enough, I found this little vid on YouTube.

Welp, if I can get my computer working again I’ll have the next update up on Christmas Day; if not… PLEASE HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Reminder: Follow me on Twitter, become a fan at the aLp page on Facebook, hang out on the official aLp forums.

The latest gossip going around New York is that (married) Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez is having an affair with (married) entertainer Madonna. There’s nothing remotely interesting to me about this “scandal”, but it did lead me to compile a list of all the women that teammate Derek Jeter’s been linked with, for comparison’s sake.

Jessica Alba
Jessica Biel
Jordana Brewster (actress)
Mariah Carey
Lara Dutta (former Miss Universe)
Joy Enriquez (singer)
Vida Guerra (model)
Scarlett Johansson
Minka Kelly (actress)
Adriana Lima
Vanessa Minnillo (MTV VJ)
Gabrielle Union

Holy smokes. Poor A-Rod.

I think I owe apologies to an ex-president, a Messiah, and the physically handicapped for this one. But NOT TO THIS WOMAN!

Go check out I’m Just Drinking, a wiki collection of fun, fake and/or freaky drink recipes with a webcomics theme. You can help fill out aLp’s section, if you want…

Basically I just thought it’d be funny if someone got a call waiting beep on one of those prison visitor phones. Does anyone know why prisons need to have the whole “talk on the phone with someone you’re sitting 2 feet from” setup when banks need presumably the same amount of security, yet have glass with openings that you can talk through? I assume they search both the inmate and the visitor before they get to talk so what do they think’s gonna happen? Maybe the phones have some sort of voice-warping on them for added punishment for the convict – you’ll never hear your mom’s real voice while you’re in here.

And so Jews for Jesus was started.

One of the things I love about baseball is that there’s a statistic for everything. There’s all sorts of nerds who sit around all day and figure out who’s better than who at what, and how Babe Ruth would hit versus today’s pitchers (not very well – he’s dead), and crap like that, and they make up funny-sounding acronyms for all of it. I didn’t make up any of the stats in today’s episode – they all really exist.

Also, what other sport could have something like this in their official rules (see Rule 6.07)?

6.07 BATTING OUT OF TURN. … PLAY (6). Daniel walks and Abel comes to bat. Daniel was an improper batter, and if an appeal is made before the first pitch to Abel, Abel is out, Daniel is removed from base, and Baker is the proper batter. There is no appeal, and a pitch is made to Abel. Daniel’s walk is now legalized, and Edward thereby becomes the proper batter. Edward can replace Abel at any time before Abel is put out or becomes a runner. He does not do so. Abel flies out, and Baker comes to bat. Abel was an improper batter, and if an appeal is made before the first pitch to Baker, Edward is out, and the proper batter is Frank. There is no appeal, and a pitch is made to Baker. Abel’s out is now legalized, and the proper batter is Baker. Baker walks. Charles is the proper batter. Charles flies out. Now Daniel is the proper batter, but he is on second base. Who is the proper batter? RULING: The proper batter is Edward. When the proper batter is on base, he is passed over, and the following batter becomes the proper batter.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

As the 25th is this Sunday, a day before my next update day, this is where I say MERRY CHRISTMAS! You can imagine this is a pretty special Christmas for me cuz it’s my two kids’ first one. They love to stare at all the lights on our tree and love to wear their little Christmas pajamas. On the other hand, they seem to not like it when I play Christmas carols on our piano. I thought it used to be cuz the piano hadn’t been tuned in, like, 30 years, but we just had someone come in and tune it and still they protest. It’s like, oh, it’s not the piano, Daddy really does suck.

One thing I’ve noticed is that when you have 2 new babies, there is an exponential explosion of presents under the tree. It’s not like there’s just 2 new people to get gifts for, it’s like a massive shift in the Balance of Power and I am just a serf in their mighty kingdom of Colorful Box Land. And I bet they’re even gonna make someone else do the menial work of unwrapping all of ‘em. BE CAREFUL WHO YOU STEP ON ON YOUR WAY UP, KIDS.

I do see a couple of gifts under the tree “To: Daddy, From: Rachel” and “To: Daddy, From: Adrian”. Even though the handwriting on the tags doesn’t look like that of a couple of 5-month-olds, I do look forward to opening those up.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

JesusChrist42: bbl
LLcoolAbe: l8r

Jesus and God in comedy ain’t anything new. Most of it’s just “Ha ha, Jesus said fuck” or “Har, God’s gangsta rapping” but I’m better than that because I (would like to think I) pay due respect, and I just pulled out the word MYRRH, and how cool is THAT word? Other places God makes me chortle:

- Dinosaur Comics
- The Daily Show: This Week in God
- Penny Arcade

Okay, that last one’s not very sophisticated, but I dig the 2nd panel anyway.

Edit: Contests update. Help decide the winner of the ELIZA Contest by voting for your favorite. Voting closes on Wednesday night. Also, the participation in the Drawing in 2′s Contest was as sparse as the entries to ELIZA were overwhelming. Weird, man. So, I’m just gonna go ahead and shut that one down.