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  #349     or, start at the beginning with #1... OR try out "The Best Of" on hiatus for now  

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Thursday, June 2nd, 2011, 2:34pm ET

I spent my whole life, up until 2008, being allergic to eggs. When I was like 4, I took an egg in my hand, crushed it – obviously just for fun – and got a rash all over my hand. When I was 8, my older brother was into raw egg shakes for some weird reason, and like an idiot he let me have some and I broke into a huge rash all over my torso.

My mom was always super careful about possible allergens because I had skin problems so at various times she wouldn’t let me eat seafood, dairy, peanuts, dogs, cats, you name it. But she would never believe me when I complained that mayonnaise would bother my throat. She just wrote me off like a bratty kid whining about something I didn’t want to eat. It was only much later, after at least a decade of stunted growth, crippling digestive problems and massacred brain cells that I learned that the mayo I kept eating indeed has eggs in it, so ha, Mom, it looks like I got the last laugh.

Fast forward to November 2008… it was the morning after Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, I was celebrating with breakfast at IHOP. Instead of my usual pancakes that I always get, I was in the mood for some hope and change, so I just decided to order a big-ass THREE-EGG OMELETTE. It was the most delicious thing I’d ever had, and I didn’t die. Barack Obama cured my allergy to eggs. Praise the Kenyan gods! And so now I’ve got a lifetime of artery-clogging eggy goodness to catch up on. Mmmmmmmm

Yeah I know that pancakes have eggs in them, shut up.

Hope you enjoyed today’s comic, see you next week, egg willing!!

As a reminder, as I said last week: I’ll be cooling it on the big time-traveling storyline for now, and going old school random for a while in order to get back on the comic horse. The storyline was obviously getting a bit too ambitious on both the plotting and art fronts for my own good, and was (not surprisingly) a major reason why I got all messed up and had to take a break again. In retrospect I shouldn’t have tried it in the first place, given my time constraints and my update schedule. But I hope to continue and finish it one day – hope hope – so those of you who were into it, sorry for now, but I’m willing to bet y’all will be happy with whatever has me making comics regularly again.

Comments on this comic (186)
Support aLp yes?   I had one kid too many


By now you’ve probably seen the first official trailer for Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (warning: graphic violence. No seriously, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE). Personally, I love it. It’s got just about as much violence as the D-Day scene in Saving Private Ryan… only this is way more realistic. All I really want out of an AvP movie is A’s and P’s layin’ into each other, and this one trailer already delivers more than the entire first film. Faces getting melted by acid? Check. Young girls getting stuck to walls by gigantic blades? Check. And it’s even got Michelle Dessler from 24! I KNEW she wasn’t dead!

The movie comes out on Christmas Day this year. We’ll leave out some milk and cookies, Brothers Strause!

Download the high-res trailer.

For news and everything else AvP, go to

Comments (8)

Answers to last time’s Guess What My Potty-Mouthed Son is Saying:


2. DAD-DEE’s DICKIN’! = (that’s) DADDY’S (plate of) CHICKEN!


Speaking of potty (this is the direction my blog is headed, deal with it), we’re (tentatively) only now (reluctantly) (thinking about) (possibly) starting to (maybe) train Rachel and Adrian to go to the bathroom on their own (who the fuck are we kidding). So far we’re only at the point where they can pee on their (matching) Elmo potties consistently at bathtime when they’re already naked and in the bathroom, but it’s a start. To encourage the good habit, we get VERRRRY excited whenever they successfully take a leak, you know, high-fiving ‘em, dancing around, putting on “Eye of the Tiger”. Well, as a consequence, Elaine is very ambivalent to report that whenever she herself is using a public bathroom, say, out at the mall with them, you can hear them both yelling very happily, “YAYYYY! MOM-MEE’s PEE-ING!!” from the stall.

Honestly, when else can you have people with you who genuinely think that your using a toilet is the most interesting thing in the world? Without having to pay them, that is.

And as a related aside, who else here chuckles every time Picard refers to Riker as “Number One”. YOU KNOW YOU DO

Comments (11)

It’d been a while since I got so much e-mail about a blog post as the one I wrote up about my sleep apnea. Apparently everyone has sleep apnea! So you so-called “doctors”, stop trying to cure us. Stop treating us like we have a disease. Maybe it’s a lifestyle choice. Ever think of THAT? Maybe we don’t WANT to feel rested in the morning. Maybe we LIKE the sensation of frequent, brief oxygen deprivation. We’re here. We have over-relaxed or redundant tissue in our throats. GET USED TO IT.

One of the best parts about having 2-year-olds who are learning to talk, as any parent can attest to, is the dirty things they inadvertently say. No, we don’t teach them dirty words per se, and YES THIS TYPE OF HUMOR IS ALWAYS HILARIOUS. Adrian is especially entertaining, as he loves to talk, but mispronounces 80% of his words. See if you can tell what he’s trying to say:

(I won’t really teach him to call people “ass-hat” until he gets his own internet connection)

(Response: “Don’t tell Mommy”)


Answers tomorrow. And yeah, I’m workin’ on the next comic. It’s just tough when you love your actual day job so much that you can’t wait to do more of it at night. But the wheels are turnin’ at least, so stay tuned.

Comments (8)

I was in Vegas over the weekend for “work”. Boy, did I get a lot of “work” “done”!

Because I happen to run the favorite hobby of the gregarious and gracious founder of a horse-racing simulcasting company in Las Vegas (read: $$$$$), I was invited to attend a little Strat-O-Matic Baseball players’ gathering at one of the brand-new casinos out there on his dime. I set a personal high for a bet on a single blackjack hand, but I won’t tell you what it was so you won’t incorrectly think I’m loaded or correctly think I’m crazy.

Saturday night our host had us all at Nove, a hotshot Italian restaurant on top of the Palms, and then upstairs to the exclusive Playboy Club, which is not at all what it sounds like – specifically, everyone had clothes on. Even Jenny McCarthy, there as a guest blackjack dealer that night, was fully clothed, at least as far as I could see past the mob of photographers. Nevertheless, I had as much as fun as you could have at a nightclub with a bunch of male baseball geeks in their 40′s. That is, until we got thrown out for trying to abduct Jenny in a big sack, a la Borat.

New comic coming up soon! I hope.

Comments (7)

I have sleep apnea! Wooooo! High-five.

For a while now Elaine’s been complaining about my snoring, and I believed her that I snore, but I never knew how bad it was. There’d be times in the middle of the night where she’d shove me in frustration and I’m like, “What! How could I be snoring, I’ve been lying here awake!” which was of course total B.S. I told her to record me one night so I could hear for myself, which she avoided for a while, but finally did using our camera in video mode. I finally learned why our bedroom furniture is always in different places in the morning and why a team of confused seismologists is always wandering around our block. And that I look cute when I’m sleeping.

So off I went to spend a night at a sleep clinic to find out if I have the same thing that both my dad has and my brother have (being that apnea can be genetic, it was almost a foregone conclusion). Good thing I have a bemused curiosity about things like this, like the “collection” room when I went to make sure my “equipment” wasn’t “shooting blanks” so I could have “money-sucking kids that won’t give you a moment’s peace and will draw on your walls and by the way, we’ll have TWO AT A TIME which’ll make life hell so GOOD LUCK.”

Except there wasn’t any porn! Only a TV with just network channels so I was forced to watch “So You Think You Can Be Smarter Than a Fifth Grader Who Forgets the Lyrics or No Deal: Fiji”. Shows like this are why Elaine is grateful for Pay-per-view and Netflix during the summer. At least it helped put me to sleep so the guys in white coats could start their study. Until they woke me up at 2am and said COULD YOU NOT SNORE SO LOUD YOU’RE WAKING UP THE OTHER SNORING PATIENTS.

When I went in to see the doctor to get my results, I was already resigned to the fact that I might need to get the same surgery that my brother did, which fixed his problem. But the guy said, “your apnea is so bad, surgery wouldn’t help.” All right! I dodged THAT bullet. Apparently I had short breathing stoppages fifty-two times in an hour. The normal rate is about three.

So at home, I’m now trying to wear a CPAP mask to bed to help me breathe better, stop snoring and get more restful sleep. (I get “CPAP” and “pap smear” confused, I don’t even know what “pap smear” is but I know I don’t want it on my face) And it’s been tough so far. It’s too hot and humid these days to be wearing a large mask on your face all night, especially one that needs to be tight enough so there’s no air leaks, and that’s blowing air at you so hard you feel like you’re sky diving (or: think Jackie Chan, Operation Condor, wind tunnel). But I’m trying. Like with everything, I know I’ll get used to it eventually.

At least Elaine gets to fulfill her lifelong dream of sleeping with Darth Vader. C’mon girls, admit it, I know there’s plenty of you out there.

Comments (25)

Sorry I’ve been M.I.A. for a while; last week I was away on an unexpected trip to Detroit and I’m just now getting settled back home again.

My life is weird. As you know I telecommute for my job, but I don’t “work from home” per se; I take my laptop to all kinds of random places with wifi, whether it’s the coffee shop, or my gym lounge, or whatever. I usually get to where I’m going at around 10am but this morning I actually got a good night’s sleep, got up early, had a huge breakfast and got here by 8:30 to the impromptu office du jour, the library… and of course they open at 9. So here I am at 8:30 in the morning, sitting outside the library doors with my laptop at the extreme outer edges of the wifi router’s range. I find that if I mash my face up against the window, lift my leg up, and stick my butt into the book return slot as far as I can, I can maybe get one extra bar of signal, just enough so I can type this post for you. I feel like some sort of bizarre 21st century Silicon Alley panhandler, begging for scraps of internet. It’s like I should have a cardboard sign that says, “GOT UP TOO EARLY” and a cup for spare TCP/IP packets.

I didn’t say my life was hard, just weird.

Comments (9)

Here’s something awesome and surreal. That other site o’ mine, The Burgg, was featured, and I mean FEATURED, on a Japanese TV show that covers cool websites. The producer of the show, TV Tokyo’s Webtama, was kind enough to mail me a DVD of the half-hour episode and now (after a bunch of problems with my DVD software), here it is for ya! The clip’s 8 minutes long, but if you’re a fan of The Burgg, or of amped-up Japanese people, it’s totally worth it.

The audio is way out of sync with the hosts’ lip movements (it starts out a few seconds ahead, then seems to get worse as it goes along), but hey, if you don’t understand Japanese and grew up watching Godzilla movies like I did, then it’ll probably seem perfectly normal to you. That said, I’ll try to fix it and upload a new version when I can.

U.S. – check
Czech Republic – czech

Comments (14)

I went and saw The Transformers. I knew exactly what I was getting into, the bad story, the ridiculous action and effects, lots of Michael Bay swirling the camera in circles. Everyone said it was gonna be a love it or hate it kinda deal… if you want your movies to make sense, you’ll hate it, but if you go into it just for the action, you’ll crap your pants, and I figured HELL YEAH I wanna crap my pants. I’m the exact target audience for this movie – old enough to have grown up loving the TF, but not so old that I don’t still love big robots and video-game-like action.

And I liked it… but unfortunately I didn’t looooove it. The problem with it wasn’t that it was STUPID. Some stupid things were said, and some stupid attempts at character development were needlessly made, but no one cares about that. The problem with it was that the plot was BORING. Boring is muuuuch worse than stupid. There was no DANGER involved. They explained that if the Decepticons found the “Allspark”, the earth would be doomed, but they didn’t show you that or make you feel that. Show, don’t tell, guys! So it was like, “Don’t let them get the Allspark!” when instead, it should’ve been “OH SHIT they just blew up the White House!!! And WHAT THE– our missiles just bounce off their armor!! And they’re causing tidal waves, the earth’s core stopped rotating, they’re killing lots of women and children and babies and more women and THEY CANCELLED THE SOPRANOS!! WHAT DO WE DO???” At least War of the Worlds (the Spielberg remake) and even Independence Day got that part right. At least in those movies, other deficiencies aside, I felt like something big was brewing.

So I’m not saying the story has to be good. I’m saying something at least has to be going on, even if it’s stupid. Then, the TF are fighting for a reason. Otherwise, it was like, “Round One. FIGHT! Autobots. WIN.”

As for the fighting… yeah it was cool. Cool enough that I’m probably gonna buy it on DVD when it comes out. But it’ll be more out of admiration for the technical craft, and not cuz I crapped my pants. Which I really wanted to do, believe me. The CGI effects were flawless and the direction was technically competent – some of the slo-mo shots of the TF making their moves were excellent, actually – but I just think it could’ve been choreographed and staged better. Most specifically, everything was shot so close up (to provide the you-are-there, holy shit these robots are big, experience) that you had no picture of the scene as a whole. A few wider, establishing shots would’ve gone a long way. Also, a little subtlety/strategy in the battle would’ve been welcome and would’ve even added to the hugeness of the scale – because when everything is big and loud, then really nothing is big and loud – so… things like taking cover, or strategic positioning, or even deception would’ve been cool. INSTEAD IT WAS LIKE THE MOVIE EQUIVALENT OF TYPING IN ALL CAPS NO PUNCTUATION AND EXCESSIVE USE OF EMOTICONS


But that’s just me. Everywhere I’ve seen people are crapping their pants over it so if you’ve been wanting to go see it and haven’t yet, then go. It is pretty frickin cool.

What’d you guys think?

Comments (5)

Over the weekend was my kids’ SECOND BIRTHDAY. Elmo and Cookie Monster showed up just to party with us (no impersonators – only the real thing for my kids).

We had balloons, music, pizza, cake, and Stick the Nose or Whatever on Elmo.

Halfway through opening all the presents, Adrian opened up a kid-sized basketball hoop and all of a sudden it was like he’d found what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. At first we all thought it was fascinating, as not only would he run up and dunk the ball, but he’d also back up a good distance and heave shots towards the hoop as hard as he could, even making a few. Then we all laughed because he just wouldn’t stop, even while Rachel went on and opened other gifts. Then, we tried handing him a few other of his wrapped presents… and he whined at them and pushed them away. He got upset. At more birthday presents. What kind of kid is that? How dare we think he would want to have other fun things besides The Little Tikes Basketball Hoop from God. Single girls, this is a dude who’s not afraid of commitment. Watch out for him in a few years.

Happy birthday, Rachel and Adrian!

Comments (19)


In a contest even closer and more jaw-dropping (HA) than last year’s, Chestnut edged Kobayashi, eating 66 goddamn hot dogs to the Japanese superstar’s 63. When you’re familiar with the world of competitive eating you get accustomed to (g)astronomical numbers in the 50′s (Kobayashi’s 53.5 last year, and Chestnut’s recent 59.5 in a qualifier), but now we’ve gotta be breaking some laws of reality with the show these 2 guys put on yesterday. Kinda reminiscent of the McGwire/Sosa homerun race back in 1998, when they were both trying to beat Roger Maris’ old record of 61 HR in a season, and they BOTH ended up flying right past it, with McGwire outlasting Sosa, 70-66. Just classic. (I wonder how many hot dogs Babe Ruth could’ve eaten.)

Additionally, what I love is that 1) Kobayashi (apparently) didn’t let his jaw pain slow him down, and just BROUGHT IT, and 2) he says he’ll back next year to BRING IT AGAIN. AWESOME.

When you try and imagine how many hot dogs you could eat yourself, it really puts it into perspective. I mean, I eat a lot (a LOT), but I think I’d be absolutely stuffed after like, what, 7? And these guys are poundin’ down 60? In 12 minutes? Give me 12 DAYS and I’ll have already killed myself trying to get down more than 30. It’s kinda like seeing a scale of you in relation to the earth, or the earth in relation to the galaxy. You’re insignificant. Puny.

Re: The Transformers. I literally never go out to the movies these days, not cuz I can’t, but cuz there’s nothing that really compels me to, and also I have a really big TV. But I dunno, I might just have to take in a matinee of the TF. Reviews are sayin’ basically that it’s big, cool and dumb. Which is all right with me… I mean come on I LIKE WATCHING DUDES EAT MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF HOT DOGS.

Comments (9)
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Alien vs. PredatorTM © 2008 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. Alien and Predator toys © 2008 McFarlane Toys and TMP International, Inc. Other imagery, concept and writing © 2008 Bernie Hou.