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funniest story

 
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soul_incision



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:26 am    Post subject: funniest story Reply with quote

general jist... anyone have a funny story to tell? Exploit your friends and neighbours and even yourselves... tell an embarrassing and funny story... I'll get the ball rolling...
A few years ago my mate came into work lookin pretty upset... he refused to talk about it until I managed to coaze it out of him... and this is his story... he was layin on his bed listenin to music on his headphones and he was wankin off, (bare in mind he was 16 at this time and a river of hormones) when as he was getting close to the climax he felt a tap on his shoulder... and adding to this shock the moment 'came'... he opened his eyes to see his mum holding the phone as there was an important phone call...to his shock he saw a large dribble of man goo sliding off the tip of her nose. This is gospel truth now people... beat it if you can... he did
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Holly Resurrected



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. I can't beat that one (har) but I do have a pretty funny one.

When my brother and I were little we would visit our cousins and play hide-and-seek. We could hide either in or outside the house, but we had to stay on the property. Well, one game everybody had been found except for my little brother, who was about six at the time, and we spent about fifteen minutes looking for him before we gave the "we give up" call, but he didn't come out. We were getting a little worried and got our parents in on the search. Twenty minutes and we were really getting worried that he'd gone outside and gotten kidnapped. Well, after twenty five minutes, he finally came out, to our great relief. His story: He'd hidden in the laundry basket in the bathroom, and was there for fifteen minutes when my uncle had come in to use the toilet. Baby brother was too embarassed to say anything, so he just stayed inside until my uncle was done. Every body thought it was hilarious, including my uncle, but my brother was embarassed about it for years afterwards.
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soul_incision



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Location: United Kingdom

PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

awwww... kinda sweet... hey people, ever go into a chat room an you see the perves in there being twats? well, one time I went into one and had this lovely conversation with someone... bearing in mind this guy had been perving on my girlfriend for some time now... since this conversation he hasn't been seen since...

GerryO0: Youíre Hot. are you really sick?
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: Yes I am
GerryO0: in what way lol???
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I like to play twister with mens vitals
GerryO0: jesus sounds painful
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: it is
GerryO0: but kinda nice
GerryO0: is it a slave bondage kinda thing
GerryO0: or just straight forward evil
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: no...a psycopathic murderer type of thing
GerryO0: lol
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: wanna play?
GerryO0: i`m 40
GerryO0: married
GerryO0: weird
GerryO0: hor ny
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: ok... imagine I'm kissing you deeply
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: my hands moving over your chest,, playing with your chest hair in between my fingers
GerryO0: indeed
GerryO0: so far so good
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: my hand wanders down to your trousers and I unzip ur fly
GerryO0: but do u f uck eventually?
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: wait and see... dont spoil the mood
GerryO0: ok
GerryO0: mistress i`m in ur hands
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: good...
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I kiss my way down your stomach and start caressing the bulge in your trousers
GerryO0: i like it
GerryO0: can i lick ur bum hole
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I rub it hard and squeeze it hard
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: yes
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: are you hard right now?
GerryO0: i am
GerryO0: i`d love to f uck a nice nubile teen
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: mmm... turns me on so much
GerryO0: of legal age of course
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I pull down your pants and I caress your erect tool
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: my hands slide over your naked body
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I take u into my mouth and move my head up and down
GerryO0: i love 69
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I move my hips over and straddle your face and lower my juicy lettuce onto your lips
GerryO0: i like ur style girl
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I move it round and round on your mouth
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: my pulse is getting faster and faster
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I push my hips further onto your face cutting off your air supply
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I can feel you struggling to push me off you so you can gulp down a lungfu;l of vital air
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: but I'm sucking you harder and harder...the asphyxiation increases your sensetivity
GerryO0: hahaha....mmmmmm
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: even as you suffocate your body is tingling with desire
GerryO0: you`re good
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: my teeth sink into your tool and I feel the blood flow over my lips as I bite harder and harder
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: OMG I'm getting so turned on!!!
GerryO0: so how bout i hold u down
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: my teeth rip through the tendons in your manhood as you scream but it is muffled from between my thighs!
GerryO0: lol. no come on...
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I rip it off with my mouth and spit it across the room,!
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I'm SO wet!!!
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I leap off you and you scream in agony, but your screams of apin make me want more!
GerryO0: huh?
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I pull out my little switchblade knife and slice open your stomach and I lick my lips as the bile splashes all over them from your gaping stomach,
GerryO0: wtf!!!
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I slowly pull out your intestines and I writhe my naked body in your aping wound
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: Oh god I need to do this to someone again
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I wrap your large intestine around my neck and hold it like a scarf as your breathiong slows down
GerryO0: your fuc kin sick!!!
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: and as you die the last thing you feel is my body writhing in your corpse
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I skin you and wear your body like a suit...
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: hello?
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: hello?
Sick.Twisted.Kitten: I know where you live...
GerryO0: GO AWAY! IíM REPORTING YOU!!!



he disappeared soon after
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol. Awesome. You guys probably all know the story of that guy that threaten to hack into someones computer and erase his hd, only to erase everything on his own hd. If I find the link, I'll post it.
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Simon_Says



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Funny story... hrm... well there was this one time I was at the grocery store and was buying my stuff, and the cashier, a rather nice looking college chick started talking.

"So... how's school?"
"Okay, tons of homework as usual."
"What are you majoring in?"
"Excuse me?"
"What school do you go to? What are you majoring in? I'm doing phsycology."
"I'm in grade 8."

She made the cow stare and was completely silent as I left the store. Seriously this is a true story. I ~20 year old girl flirtted with me... a 14 year-old.

Well I am 6 feet somthing, many people mistake me for being older.
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soul_incision



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Workin as a nightclub Bouncer u get to see a lot of wierd and wonderful sights... none of which come better than this... at about ten past two, me and my colleague are just clearing thefew stragglers before locking up after a hard night of head knocking when we notice a guy standing outside the ladies loos. we tell him to get goin and he tells us he's waiting for his girlfriend. Now seeing as we wanted peopl out we went into the girls lavs and as we did so we heard a lot of moaning and groaning.a lot of 'huuuhhh....hhhuuuuuhhhh!' so we look over the cubicle walls by standing on the toilets and, expecting to see someone hurling up down the toilet we see two girls, one of them has her head between the other girls legs... after we witnessed the event for a few minutes we decided to announce our presence. with that the girl who was recieving looked very shocked and hitched up her knickers faster than you can say knife, the other girl looks me right in the eye and winks at me, lickin her lips... the other girl runs out and our lil horny giver girl walks out too...to be met by the lad. She snogs him infront of us and the last words we heard the lad say were 'you taste funny. have you been sick?' as they walked out... Moral of this Story? Take a videocamera to a nightclub if ur a bouncer... that shit would get millions!!!
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Dr Evil, Can I Paint his yoohoo Goooold? It's kinda my thing y'know?
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ash_wednesday



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That guy could be lucky if he play his cards right.... Mr. Green
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Simon_Says



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lesbian sandwich...

*starts day dreaming*
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Holly Resurrected



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aramor wrote:
Lol. Awesome. You guys probably all know the story of that guy that threaten to hack into someones computer and erase his hd, only to erase everything on his own hd. If I find the link, I'll post it.


That reminded me of something I found out about a little while ago. Somebody's online aquaintance stole their password for their ffn.net account, and changed it. Unfortunately for the thief, they forgot to change the email address for the account, and so the new password was mailed to the owner of the account, who then changed it again.
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 6:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol...

I once read somewhere that some guy wanted his ex-gf sued for logging in to his online account with some MMORPG and sellling all his stuff and generally ruining his character.
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ash_wednesday



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aramor wrote:
Lol...

I once read somewhere that some guy wanted his ex-gf sued for logging in to his online account with some MMORPG and sellling all his stuff and generally ruining his character.
bawhahaha!! Revenge of the nerds!!
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"You're lucky attacking ends the spell or I would smack the crap out of all of you."

"Bite my 50% miss chance."

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Bounty



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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 6:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simon_Says wrote:
Funny story... hrm... well there was this one time I was at the grocery store and was buying my stuff, and the cashier, a rather nice looking college chick started talking.

"So... how's school?"
"Okay, tons of homework as usual."
"What are you majoring in?"
"Excuse me?"
"What school do you go to? What are you majoring in? I'm doing phsycology."
"I'm in grade 8."

She made the cow stare and was completely silent as I left the store. Seriously this is a true story. I ~20 year old girl flirtted with me... a 14 year-old.

Well I am 6 feet somthing, many people mistake me for being older.


although im 19 and about to attend college, im often mistaken for being younger. sophmore in highschool or somethin - then when they hear me speak they think im the offspring of clint eastwood o.O
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soul_incision



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2005 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bounty wrote:
Simon_Says wrote:
Funny story... hrm... well there was this one time I was at the grocery store and was buying my stuff, and the cashier, a rather nice looking college chick started talking.

"So... how's school?"
"Okay, tons of homework as usual."
"What are you majoring in?"
"Excuse me?"
"What school do you go to? What are you majoring in? I'm doing phsycology."
"I'm in grade 8."

She made the cow stare and was completely silent as I left the store. Seriously this is a true story. I ~20 year old girl flirtted with me... a 14 year-old.

Well I am 6 feet somthing, many people mistake me for being older.


although im 19 and about to attend college, im often mistaken for being younger. sophmore in highschool or somethin - then when they hear me speak they think im the offspring of clint eastwood o.O


'I know what you're thinking... you're thinking did I cheat six times or only five...?'
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Dr Evil, Can I Paint his yoohoo Goooold? It's kinda my thing y'know?
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Deathmachine



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simon_Says wrote:
Lesbian sandwich...

*starts day dreaming*


*also starts day dreaming* Idea Cool
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AAATripper



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is an outdated topic but a mentioning of the Exorcist jogged my memory of a particular night in september in Colorado last year.

It was a dark and gloomy night, we were at a friends house, watching the exorcist, it was jsut after the girl had crawled down the stairs backwards that the disc refused to play any further. Me and a friend, (who was old enough to drive) went to exchange our disc at blockbuster. upon returning to the house, we decided not to open the garage door to alert our friends to our presence. Instead, we climbed the fence, went around back.... AND BANGED ON THE WINDOWS AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE AND 3 OF THEM PISSED THEIR PANTS!!!!! The other nameless fellow who didnt piss himself was half asleep because he doesnt really care for horror movies, he sort of woke up in the middle of the screaming, saw us in the window and started cracking up. BTW, the teenaged babysitter (female) also started crying, and fell off the couch.
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ash_wednesday



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 02, 2005 3:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man...you guys have all the fun!!
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soul_incision



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you know, being a bouncer, u hear funny little one liners and the most supidest comments... here's a few
A girl, wearing a very small bikini top, a thong and high heels, NOTHING ELSE came into the club one night in tears and complained to me that all the guys were staring at her knockers and her arse and that it was ruining her night.

One guy says to me which way to get out, to which I opened the door for him infront of me, to which he then preceded to walk away again... by the 6th time of him coming up and asking the way out I decided that he was too pissed and threw him out.... ten minutes later he asks if he can come in as he's never been to this club before...

As were were walking through the club we came across one chap who was lying on a table... sounds simple but let me tell you this table was nearly 5 foot high, and only big enough for putting drinks on... this lad still had both feet on the ground, but his back was arched all the way over, backwards and he was fast asleep.

Watching my girlfriend on the dance-floor one time with utter admiration, a guy comes over to me and says 'She's fucking smokin. I'm gonna try and have a crack with her. bet she takes it up the ass!' laughs at me then turns and walks towards her, then slaps her on the arse... he didnt get very far before he had three doormen on him and me and him found the fire exit...

And how can u not laugh at a guy who swears he hasn't taken any drugs when his nostrils and upper lip are sparkling white under the UV lamp, his pupils are dialated as far as tey go and is claiming he is Lionel Ritchie and should get in for free...?
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Dr Evil, Can I Paint his yoohoo Goooold? It's kinda my thing y'know?
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ash_wednesday



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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

soul_incision wrote:


And how can u not laugh at a guy who swears he hasn't taken any drugs when his nostrils and upper lip are sparkling white under the UV lamp, his pupils are dialated as far as tey go and is claiming he is Lionel Ritchie and should get in for free...?
Was he a white guy too?
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"You're lucky attacking ends the spell or I would smack the crap out of all of you."

"Bite my 50% miss chance."

--Order of the Stick
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Satan Crime Wash



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2005 9:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kind of a dead topic I know but i thought i'd share some anecdotes. I used to work in a videogames shop, and we regularly fielded questions from bewildered parents shopping for their kids. Here are some of my favourites.

"Excuse me do you have a copy of Tom Hanks Pro Skater?"
"Do you have American Porn?" ( the lady actually meant American Pool, a gameboy game )
"Do you sell greeting cards?"
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