Alien Loves Predator Forum Index
         
FAQFAQ    SearchSearch    RegisterRegister    ProfileProfile    Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages    Log inLog in 
101 rules of Heathen/Folk-metal

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Alien Loves Predator Forum Index -> Music
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Munchkin



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 25
Location: Germany

PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 7:44 am    Post subject: 101 rules of Heathen/Folk-metal Reply with quote

101 rules of Heathen/Folk-metal

1. Be “Folkish”
2. Be “mythical”
3. Tune your violin only once…
4. ...ever!
5. Accordion is folkish
6. Thor is your mentor!
7. Polka is funny, not stupid.
8. If you can, be Finntroll…
9. If you can’t be Finntroll…. Be Moonsorrow.
10. On second thought, if you can’t be, don’t try to copy! …you just can’t!
11. Beer is “folkish”
12. Only mushrooms do as drugs… nothing else!
13. Look like a troll
14. …at least on stage
15. All “Folk”-metal albums shall at least feature on song about Trolls!
16. Only drink beer or mjød from a horn
17. Always walk once a day in the woods…
18. Need inspiration? Walk in woods…
19. Gåte is NOT heathen…
20. nor is a unicorn..
21. Look angry…
22. Be angry…
23. If not angry, play your guitar…
24. Always feature a “same-joik” on your album
25. Draw your own album covers…
26. ...should be inspired by Kittelsen or other “true” troll-fathers!
27. If you can’t draw…learn!
28. Every band must have at least ONE drinking-song on each album! Not optional!
29. Always relate to Vikings
30. Lyrics must to be “mythical”…and “Nordic”… Always!
31. Own a hammer… a BIG one!
32. If you can’t get a hammer, get a sword… a BIG one!
33. ...not a gay sword.
34. With other words… don’t be Rhapsody!
35. Read Folk-lore daily.
36. Religion is a sin, every last one of them.
37. Have stage-names like: “Trollhorn”, “Thundra”, “Nitrist” and all names including “grim” will do.
38. go by the names in your daily life to…
39. If you need a real job, work in the kindergarten. Kids respect trolls!
40. Remember… only Norway is the “true” home of the trolls…
41. Be from Norway…
42. if you’re not, say you are…
43. not optional.
44. other Nordic lands will also do, but always say you have relatives from Norway…
45. Regarding rule #44 that’s cool.
46. Be in at least 2 “Heathen/Folk”-metal bands.
47. Arrange drinking trips to your cottage with other band members weekly!
48. Touring is drinking…
49. Even in Japan.
50. See rule #8
51. Wear clothes that blends with nature…
52. but don’t over-do it! You’re not an Ent!
53. See rule #11
54. War-paint is good, but don’t make it look like it’s been painted on…
55. “Blood” will also do…
56. Look as if you come straight from the battle field
57. at least on stage!
58. go hunting just for food…not for fun!
59. shopping is not “folkish” or “mythical”
60. see rules #1 to #59
61. Natur-sounds is a good way to kick off the album…
62. Howling wolves sounds good, but not if you try to imitate!
63. acoustic instruments are ok… but don’t over-do it.
64. Make an acoustic album.
65. If you don’t have a mouth-harp, go back to your day job!
66. Mouth-harps are a must!
67. Always think about rule #19 & #20
68. Always stick to your native language!
69. even if you’re Italian or Spanish… Latin may also do…
70. Don’t start a “heathen/folk” metal band in USA…
71. because you’re not “folkish” enough!
72. Don’t hesitate to growl. GRRRAAWW!!!
73. A female vocal may be cool, but not Tarja!
74. …do ask her though, but tell her it was a joke afterwards!
75. Orcs are NOT “folkish”… but still cool… because their ugly.
76. All in your band should be ugly!
77. Even the women, if you have any…
78. Villages is always a cool thing, but not castles… see rule #34
79. The nearest you come to “folkish” in Tolkien’s world is “Gimli”!
80. Hence, do grow a beard!
81. Never shave… any part of your body!
82. Norway is a small country, only room for trolls!
83. Don’t come unless you look like one!
84. Drink a beer, as we salute the end of Gåte!
85. See rule #19 & #20
86. Don’t be positive.
87. Don’t be open minded.
88. Go here: http://www.moonsorrow.com/2005/mainpage.html -> FAQ -> Concerning Mead
89. see rule #16
90. Pagan’s Mind is not “Heathen”, don’t be Pagan’s Mind! But be Pagan minded!
91. The forest rules!
92. Regarding rule #91 …even Elk-drops!
93. On stage… use antlers as a part of your outfit!
94. Spit a lot, but not while consuming beer or mjød.
95. Barfing is “folkish”
96. On second thought… screw rule #95
97. Screw Gåte… and Pagan’s Mind.
98. Comment to rule #90: Your band name must relate to your music! Or genre!
99. Use a choir to shout “HEY!” at least twice on your album.
100. You’re allowed to use a synth, but make it sound authentic!
101. Swing the Trollhammer and repeat the rules!
_________________
If everybody likes it, it must suck
If you've got no enemies, your're worthless
If you agree with me, you're cool as fuck
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Munan
Moderator


Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 30 May 2005
Posts: 3232
Location: Living on my own

PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 9:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Does anyone care?
_________________
The Justified Ancient of Mu Mu
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AAATripper



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 17 May 2005
Posts: 1085
Location: Everywhere and Nowhere...

PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

/ditto
_________________
My Unit Patch
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Simon_Says



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Posts: 6823
Location: Being generally opposing.

PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 6:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Aramor



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 14141
Location: On a cyborg unicorn pony!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Must... resist... making... comment... about the fact... he's coming... from... germany... which would explain... the lameness of... this topic...

Oh crap, I think I just did...
_________________
Photoshopperholic wrote:
Mighty Lord Aramor


Fail of the day:
Syn wrote:
your balls didn't get suck
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Satan Crime Wash



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 1980

PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simon_Says wrote:


I can't imagine who that might be.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Ipsa



Gender: Gender:Female
Joined: 25 Aug 2005
Posts: 1631
Location: Wherever God takes me.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 12:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sure as hell isn't me.
[whine]It's too long to read.[/whine]
Rolling Eyes
_________________
"Yeast devil! Back to the oven that baked you!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Corporal Waffle



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 13 Apr 2005
Posts: 1084
Location: Waffle bells. Waffle bells. Waffles all the way...

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 1:50 am    Post subject: Re: 101 rules of Heathen/Folk-metal Reply with quote

Munchkin wrote:
101 rules of Heathen/Folk-metal

1. Be “Folkish”
2. Be “mythical”
3. Tune your violin only once…
4. ...ever!
5. Accordion is folkish
6. Thor is your mentor!
7. Polka is funny, not stupid.
8. If you can, be Finntroll…
9. If you can’t be Finntroll…. Be Moonsorrow.
10. On second thought, if you can’t be, don’t try to copy! …you just can’t!
11. Beer is “folkish”
12. Only mushrooms do as drugs… nothing else!
13. Look like a troll
14. …at least on stage
15. All “Folk”-metal albums shall at least feature on song about Trolls!
16. Only drink beer or mjød from a horn
17. Always walk once a day in the woods…
18. Need inspiration? Walk in woods…
19. Gåte is NOT heathen…
20. nor is a unicorn..
21. Look angry…
22. Be angry…
23. If not angry, play your guitar…
24. Always feature a “same-joik” on your album
25. Draw your own album covers…
26. ...should be inspired by Kittelsen or other “true” troll-fathers!
27. If you can’t draw…learn!
28. Every band must have at least ONE drinking-song on each album! Not optional!
29. Always relate to Vikings
30. Lyrics must to be “mythical”…and “Nordic”… Always!
31. Own a hammer… a BIG one!
32. If you can’t get a hammer, get a sword… a BIG one!
33. ...not a gay sword.
34. With other words… don’t be Rhapsody!
35. Read Folk-lore daily.
36. Religion is a sin, every last one of them.
37. Have stage-names like: “Trollhorn”, “Thundra”, “Nitrist” and all names including “grim” will do.
38. go by the names in your daily life to…
39. If you need a real job, work in the kindergarten. Kids respect trolls!
40. Remember… only Norway is the “true” home of the trolls…
41. Be from Norway…
42. if you’re not, say you are…
43. not optional.
44. other Nordic lands will also do, but always say you have relatives from Norway…
45. Regarding rule #44 that’s cool.
46. Be in at least 2 “Heathen/Folk”-metal bands.
47. Arrange drinking trips to your cottage with other band members weekly!
48. Touring is drinking…
49. Even in Japan.
50. See rule #8
51. Wear clothes that blends with nature…
52. but don’t over-do it! You’re not an Ent!
53. See rule #11
54. War-paint is good, but don’t make it look like it’s been painted on…
55. “Blood” will also do…
56. Look as if you come straight from the battle field
57. at least on stage!
58. go hunting just for food…not for fun!
59. shopping is not “folkish” or “mythical”
60. see rules #1 to #59
61. Natur-sounds is a good way to kick off the album…
62. Howling wolves sounds good, but not if you try to imitate!
63. acoustic instruments are ok… but don’t over-do it.
64. Make an acoustic album.
65. If you don’t have a mouth-harp, go back to your day job!
66. Mouth-harps are a must!
67. Always think about rule #19 & #20
68. Always stick to your native language!
69. even if you’re Italian or Spanish… Latin may also do…
70. Don’t start a “heathen/folk” metal band in USA…
71. because you’re not “folkish” enough!
72. Don’t hesitate to growl. GRRRAAWW!!!
73. A female vocal may be cool, but not Tarja!
74. …do ask her though, but tell her it was a joke afterwards!
75. Orcs are NOT “folkish”… but still cool… because their ugly.
76. All in your band should be ugly!
77. Even the women, if you have any…
78. Villages is always a cool thing, but not castles… see rule #34
79. The nearest you come to “folkish” in Tolkien’s world is “Gimli”!
80. Hence, do grow a beard!
81. Never shave… any part of your body!
82. Norway is a small country, only room for trolls!
83. Don’t come unless you look like one!
84. Drink a beer, as we salute the end of Gåte!
85. See rule #19 & #20
86. Don’t be positive.
87. Don’t be open minded.
88. Go here: http://www.moonsorrow.com/2005/mainpage.html -> FAQ -> Concerning Mead
89. see rule #16
90. Pagan’s Mind is not “Heathen”, don’t be Pagan’s Mind! But be Pagan minded!
91. The forest rules!
92. Regarding rule #91 …even Elk-drops!
93. On stage… use antlers as a part of your outfit!
94. Spit a lot, but not while consuming beer or mjød.
95. Barfing is “folkish”
96. On second thought… screw rule #95
97. Screw Gåte… and Pagan’s Mind.
98. Comment to rule #90: Your band name must relate to your music! Or genre!
99. Use a choir to shout “HEY!” at least twice on your album.
100. You’re allowed to use a synth, but make it sound authentic!
101. Swing the Trollhammer and repeat the rules!



YEY COULD BE ME!!!!
_________________

munan wrote:
Vevlaa, for fuck's sake, edit your damn post!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Munchkin



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 25
Location: Germany

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 3:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aramor wrote:
Must... resist... making... comment... about the fact... he's coming... from... germany... which would explain... the lameness of... this topic...

Oh crap, I think I just did...


Groan... Why don't you stop bitchin, just because you have to compensate for your shitty result at the last Soccer World Cup.... oh, wait a minute... You didn't even qualify....
_________________
If everybody likes it, it must suck
If you've got no enemies, your're worthless
If you agree with me, you're cool as fuck
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Munan
Moderator


Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 30 May 2005
Posts: 3232
Location: Living on my own

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aramor wrote:
he's coming... from... germany... which would explain... the lameness of... this topic...


Again, don't go there, young man! It's lame.
This'll do if you're in that mood:

_________________
The Justified Ancient of Mu Mu
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Munchkin



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 25
Location: Germany

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nah, I rather face people like him. If you don't show them where the line is drawn, they'll run their mouth forever. And I'm not in a mood for something like that
_________________
If everybody likes it, it must suck
If you've got no enemies, your're worthless
If you agree with me, you're cool as fuck
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Digitaaliklosetti



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
Posts: 1850

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sadly enough, I know exactly what you're talking about there.

Or, well...
Whoever originally wrote that thing
_________________
bitchez n hose
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Alien Loves Predator Forum Index -> Music All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group