Joined: 16 Jan 2007
|Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 10:13 pm Post subject: Don't see "Attack of the Sabretooth"
|as stated, even if you like cult/monster/horror, don't watch this movie.
I saw it in the video rental, and since I had rented 10 video's before, the 11th one was for free. Since I saw all the other movies that drew my attention already, this was like the only choice left. I said:"hey, I love cats, I love a healthy portion of blood in a movie, and I love cult. What could possibly go wrong?"
Well, I guess a lot.
To recap the movie:
|Some big shot is making a special park on an island, with as special (not released to the press yet) attraction : Prehistoric animals. (I must say, movie concepts are getting milked out more than ever) more over, prehistoric cats called smilodons (sabretooths)
Even tho all the guests on the island are big shots (investors for the park)
a group of teenagers (who would have guessed?) seem to have found their way on the island as well. Any way, as you know all goes wrong, cats break out, kill people, the heroes win by killing the cats in the end.
things that bothered me immensely: How it went wrong--
Some guard is walking the fence perimeter, sits down on a log to watch a porn magazine. The centerfold gets blown out by the wind, over the fence. He follows it. As the poster gets blown in further in, the guard keeps following it. (yes, I would follow a piece of paper with boobs into a wild animal cage as well, of course, who wouldn't)
The guy gets mauled. Later on, a second guy checks the fence and sees one door is open. He goes in, to look for the guard who hasn't checked in. unarmed. Into wild animal cage. yes. Maul victim 2. meanwhile the kids sneak into the main building, to look for items they need to have taken their picture with for their sorority projects or sumthing. Of course, one kid is "the hacker"(asian), one "jock", and we have "goth girl", "blondie" and the cute silent girl who is also afro american, because, everyone knows that if you don't have an african american and an asian guy in your movie, you're a racist. Either way, the hacker kid shuts down the security system with a virus, even tho the whole system was stated to be bought new from a software company. But hey, a virus works on every OS, right? Right. Either way, all fences shut down, cats go wild.
Then, the hero maintenance guy gets to chat with one of the guards who fed the cats. It appears the cats are not only dangerous, they are ultra dangerous. As if being a huge predator wasn't enough, the cats also seem to be bolemic, and always hungry. Moreover, besides the male and female, there also seems to be a third one, wich is a half mutated one, wich has no bones in the lower part of his body, and thus has to drag its ass all over the place. Oh yeah, he's also 3 times the size of the other ones. More people die, including the jock, who had just picked up a girl, and right when they were going to have sex, the girl gets killed, he runs, and he gets killed. (moral= Having sex is death)
Cats kill people, cats die.
In the end, the park owner escapes just barely from the mutacat, and locks the door behind him. Mutacat was not pleased and slammed the door, causing one of the teeth of the statue on top of the building to fall down, on the park owner. Park owner owned. In the end, two more people got killed, by the female, who seemed to have survived the gunshots from before.
Now, this movie is from 2006. Even with small budgets in mind, things bother me a lot. First of all, CG. in 1993 Dinosaurs ran amuck on an island. They looked real. There were hardly parts in the movie where you could say :"lol fake". Big budget, yes. In 1997 a monster named GODZILLA trashed new york, fighting the us army, and kicking ass while looking good. Hell, even lower budget movies such as "an american werewolf in paris" succeeded in making their monsters look as real as possible. In around 1999 a natural documentary was made named "walking with dinosaurs". Even tho you could see they were fake from time to time, a lot of work was put in this, and seeing they were portraying the animals during daytime (where in Jurassic park and godzilla for example, most action took place in dark surroundings) they did a bang up job, with a minimum in recourses.
Now, 7 years later, when the computers used back then are now for sale as "your basic gaming pc" I was astounded by the crap CG and modellin in that movie. They could have made the cats better if they dressed some guy up in a hello kitty costume. To complete their whole session of utter bullshit, when they did the camera vision from "the cat's eyes" they had like a crappy predator vision; heat seeking. And as a maggot on top of a turd, the cherry on the cake to others, the statue on top of the building was also made with CG. And it looked faker than the boobs of lolo ferrari.
Either way, don't ever pay any form of money to see this movie. In fact, since time if money, if it's on TV, don't waste your time on it. Even counting grass blades or watching paint dry would be better use of your time. Now that I said this, you guys will prolly watch it anyway, just to get dissappointed and put up a rant like I did.
I like cult movies, and if they do their best, I could even like the ones with lower quality. But these guys failed, big time. I'm not even starting about the acting, coz I'm tired, and talking more about this movie makes me wanna cut out my own kidneys with a rusty spoon and donate them to pigs who have kidney disorders.
One positive thing: It was so bad, that when it was over, everything else seemed awesome. I even enjoyed the fart I let loose afterwards.
You have been warned.
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