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Mr_Bling



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 11:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok...


WRITE MORE!!!


...please?
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QueenofEville



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 1:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two minor things:

“Time to get ready, people,” John said, pulling his seatbelt off. “Let’s travel fairly light. He checked over his combat uniform and, finding everything nominal, went over to the weaponry.

Missed a " after light.

They all strapped on their helmets triple-checked all their equipment.

Too many 'alls'. I'd suggest dropping the 2nd all, as it's implied. Or substitute something else for 'they all'.

There's a couple of slightly awkward sentences in there, but upon rereading them, it might just be the way my brain's picking them out, cuz the more I read them, the more sense they make. Wink

Not to be stuck on the age thing, but I'm pretty impressed this is coming from a 16-year-old. Smile Looking forward to reading more.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shinitra wrote:
Not to be stuck on the age thing, but I'm pretty impressed this is coming from a 16-year-old. Smile Looking forward to reading more.


If this were coming from a 40-year-old, would you be unimpressed? Smile


Thanks for the advice again.
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 2:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shinitra wrote:
Ooh! Do we get to play the "when I was your age" game now? Cuz, I'm like, way older, as in almost twice Frost's age. You guys make me feel old. *cries*


I'll always love you...

Anyhoo, Frost, I'll read it as soon as I get home again and I'm sober... and I can't really predict when that is going to happen Razz
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QueenofEville



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Frost wrote:
If this were coming from a 40-year-old, would you be unimpressed? Smile


Unimpressed? No. But I still have a portfolio of stuff I wrote when I was 17 in a creative writing class. I'd say I think about 80% of it is crap, 10% is passable with a bit of work, and 10% was actually good.

Of course, I am the definition of "my own worst critic". I have 3 partially completed "stories of indeterminate length" sitting on my hard drive. One is actually in progress, and I'm still liking it so far. The others have been untouched for months, if not longer, because every time I reread them, I think they're crap and can't figure out how to "fix" them.

Anyway, keep up the good work. Wink
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Munan
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shinitra wrote:
The others have been untouched for months, if not longer, because every time I reread them, I think they're crap and can't figure out how to "fix" them.


Whenever I have that problem, I print the text, delete it and retype it. Often, while reading on paper and retyping, I suddenly realise what needs to be done.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 1:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is the first non-shortstory I've ever written. My main problem with writing is the fact that I have the attention span of a chicken sandwich.
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Azrael



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have ADD, I have an excuse. You need to overcome your short attention span! NOW Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation ><
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Mr_Bling



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It would suck if you had to go to those massive board meetings and take notes if you had ADD.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just in case you all are wondering, I'm still working on these. I'm rewriting some stuff I thought I could do better.

But soon...
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Robot Chicken Koko



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is pretty good. Is this international coalition fighting aliens? One giant moving base sounds pretty future-tech to me, and the name, well, I don't really have to explain myself on that one. Keep it coming!
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Robot Chicken Koko



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simon_Says wrote:
Is there a movie based on cloning/genetic experimentation that doesn't have somthing similiar about a talk of "playing god"?

Most overused cliché ever.


GATTACA!
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cfos



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:12 pm    Post subject: two cents Reply with quote

[quote="Frost_Declares"][b]Chapter 1

Linda, sitting across from John, was a stark contrast to Sam. She was only five foot and three inches; weighing only 160 pounds. This, however, did not make her any less dangerous than Sam. Fighting Linda in hand-to-hand combat was like fighting smoke. They were all trained in wrestling and karate, but Linda spent extra time learning Jujitsu, judo, taekwondo, kapu kuialua, and even capoeira.

12 shots and twelve bodies. Hell, he had even seen him perform impossible ricochet shots without even using a scope.


Comments and criticisms welcome. quote]

Two minor points:

1. I'd be very surprised that:
A) You found a woman that'd tell you they weigh 160
B) That said woman would feel that her weight was "only" 160. Not to be rude, but I'm guessing you are describing a petite character, something in the 105 lbs category. You know, the kind that don't eat.

2. Strunk and White would frown on starting a sentence with a number: Spell out all numbers when starting a sentence.
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Simon_Says



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Especially when three words later you do spell it out.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simon_Says wrote:
Especially when three words later you do spell it out.



I'll be darned... Didn't know I did that. I usually try to spell out smaller numbers.

Doesn't really matter, though because I'm totally redoing everything. Except the prologue. I like it.
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