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Frost



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PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:09 pm    Post subject: My Story Reply with quote

Hey everyone, this is the short prologue to my story. Comments and critiques are more than welcome. Please understand, though, that this is but a prologue, and possibly not the final draft.


Thanks.



Prologue

Dr. Dennis Baxter punched in the 7-digit door code for the mainframe computer room and hit the execute key. The twin four-inch titanium security doors in front of the man split open with an audible hiss. The room was dark and shadowed with the only lights coming from the numerous consoles and monitors that were the mainframe computer but Dennis wasn’t afraid. Nothing could get in this room without the door code. He darted inside and hastily slapped the yellow and black “Lockdown” button next to the door. The impenetrable door slammed closed with a resounding thud and blood-red lights accompanied by klaxons erupted throughout the complex. The alarm was deafening and the piece of shrapnel lodged in the doctor’s right side sent pain screaming throughout his body but he couldn’t be bothered with it now. He had to send out the distress beacon or all hope was lost.

Ignoring the pain, Dennis kicked the heavy swivel chair out from in front of the central consol; he pressed the startup button and the computer came to life. The computer’s monitor lit up as numerical symbols and binary scrolled up the screen. He opened up an emergency communication channel and typed one small emergency code. <Code445446b> Dennis hit the execute command and a load bar appeared on the screen; above it read “Transferring Message”. The gray bar began to fill up. The doctor anxiously glanced at his watch; it, along with his hand, was covered in blood. He looked down at his white shirt and pants; they, too, were drenched in dark-red blood. Memories of the psychotic, hellish morning flashed back to him and his eyes began to tear up. The blood on his hands was not his own but a fellow scientist. An old friend.

His eyes returned to the computer screen and the gray bar that seemed so slow to him. Dennis checked himself. No. It was moving slowly. It was usually a five or six second wait but this was taking far longer. It must have been all the security systems and lockdown procedures that were dragging the speed down. It made little difference, as the wait was almost over now, regardless. He watched the gray bar move towards the end when suddenly the monitor went black and the computer shut off.
“NO!” Dennis screamed at the top of his lungs and slammed his balled fist into the keyboard. He hit the startup button but nothing happened. He hit it again and watched the screen, waiting for it to flick on again. As he stared into the inky, black screen he saw his haggard, blood covered face… but more importantly he saw a large dark figure crawl from the shadowed corner it had been hiding in the whole time, the computer’s power cord was in its hand.
Dennis didn’t turn around. He wiped the sweat and dried blood from his brow and took his hand off of the keyboard. His eyes never left the figure.
“It’s you, isn’t it?” He asked with an out-of-place calm, but there was no reply. He closed his eyes. “I suppose I deserve this.” Dennis felt something sharp and metal pierce through and sever his spinal column, and then he felt no more.

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You forget one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock... and
scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
bring me a rock.
-- Zapp Brannigan


Last edited by Frost on Thu Jun 22, 2006 11:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 9:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

POST MORE!!!

I like it... post more...

It's really good... please post more.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 9:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm about 1/3 the way done with chapter one. When it's done I'll post it here.
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Simon_Says



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think (with a mixture of hope) it's going to be damn good. I'm waiting to read the first chapter before I give any definate review.
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Mr_Bling



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 12:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOW! THATS SWEET! MORE MORE MORE!!!
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Simon_Says



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 3:24 pm    Post subject: Re: My Story Reply with quote

Frost wrote:
On the 6th Day, God created man. Now, man creates God.

Wasn't this quoted or somthing in Jurassic Park & the Ahnuld Schwarzenegger movie?
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Azrael



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I DEMAND MORE!!!!





...please?
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 3:49 pm    Post subject: Re: My Story Reply with quote

Simon_Says wrote:
Frost wrote:
On the 6th Day, God created man. Now, man creates God.

Wasn't this quoted or somthing in Jurassic Park & the Ahnuld Schwarzenegger movie?


In Jurassic Park it went something like this:
God created dinosaur.
God kills dinosaur.
God creates man.
Man creates dinosaur.
Man kills God.

Dinosaur eats man.
Woman inherits the earth.


And in The 6th Day (The Schwarzenegger movie) they also said something like what Frost said.
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Simon_Says



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is there a movie based on cloning/genetic experimentation that doesn't have somthing similiar about a talk of "playing god"?

Most overused cliché ever.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yah. I couldn't think of anything else.
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scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
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Munan
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you know it's a cliché you should avoid it. Really. Just leave it out. I'll comment on the whole story some other time. It's rather good. Also, if you don't mind asking me, how old are you?
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Frost



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

16
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scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
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Digitaaliklosetti



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The only way to be taken seriously on the internet, is saying that you're 23.
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like any of us will believe he's 23... no offense Wink
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Azrael



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Frost wrote:
16


Expected you to be 17 Razz
But your still older than me.
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Mr_Bling



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 5:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! 16?! Shit! When I was ure age I was almost flunking English and now look where i got... I've got a deadend job with some Neo-Nazi boss and shabby ran into a hundred time car... The possibilities...


LOL soz about the old man thing.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 9:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter One is taking longer than expected. Soon, though, soon.
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You forget one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock... and
scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
bring me a rock.
-- Zapp Brannigan
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QueenofEville



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 9:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh! Do we get to play the "when I was your age" game now? Cuz, I'm like, way older, as in almost twice Frost's age. You guys make me feel old. *cries*

Now, as for my thoughts on the story... well, a disclaimer first. I'm not a published author (tho I'm slowly working on that), but I do proofread and edit for a friend of mine that is a published author before he submits his work. So, I'm not talking completely out of my ass here. Wink But, as always, these are just personal opinions, so take them or leave them.

First, I agree, drop the 'man makes God' thing.

Second, for whatever reason, one sentence keeps jumping out at me: "The 50-year-old scientist had memorized it by heart." I like it, in that you bring exposition while (mostly) continuing the story. But something about it is just off for me. I think it's the 'memorized by heart' part. Maybe 'knew it by heart' or 'had long since memorized it', but something just doesn't flow right for me the way it is now. Conversely, do you really need this sentence? Does the audience have to know he's 50? And it's implied that he has the code memorized since he punched it in. You could remove the sentence entirely and not detract from the story.

"The doctor anxiously glanced at his watch. His watch, his hand, and the rest of his body were drenched in dark red blood." I'd recommend combining this into one sentence: 'The doctor anxiously glanced at his watch, which along with his hand and the rest...'

Overall, though, it's pretty good. I'd like to read more before giving an overall review of it. Just watch the flow. It's not all about proper sentence structure or grammar. Don't be afraid to have run-on sentences, or use lots of semicolons to continue lines of thinking. Too many 6-8 word sentences can make it a bit jarring. But, generally, keep up the good work. Smile
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Frost



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 11:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, I appreciate your advice.

I changed those things.
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You forget one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock... and
scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
bring me a rock.
-- Zapp Brannigan
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Frost



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 1

Ghostly contrails streamed through the red-orange, Egyptian sky as hundreds of VPR surface to air missiles knifed through the brisk morning air. F-16’s and Russian MiG’s that had been engaging enemy aircraft in aerial dogfights began to explode and fall from the sky like ducks shot by a rifleman. The smoldering debris rained down upon the ground forces trading gunfire from trenches and bunkers cut into the warm Saharan sand. The Egyptian military assisted by the United States’ Army and Marine Corps, the United Kingdom’s Armed Forces of the Crown, and the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation were attempting to hold off the advancement of the Halovat-Bosqon Empire.

Jonathon Michael Crusoe, Captain of Fire Team Rho, watched the raging battle from the safety of a LAV-25 armored personnel carrier. It galled him to the core to have to sit here and watch as his fellow men were dying. He looked about the APC. His team perked up and returned the look. Sergeant Major Samuel Joseph Batista was sitting next to John; he noticed his captain’s irritated expression. He patted John’s shoulder.
“I know, man. I think it sucks too. Try not to worry.” Sam tried to look carefree, but the same discomfort must have shown in his face.
John glanced back out the window. “They’ve been fighting for so long…”
First Lieutenant Linda Ann Hertz interrupted him. “And now we have a chance to end the war. Let them do their part and we’ll do ours.”
“So what exactly is this base we’re headed to?” Sam asked, looking around at the group.
“Yah, and why haven’t we been briefed? I don’t like going into new places without knowing what the heck I’m doing,” Piped Warrant Officer Franklin “Dean” Allison. “This stinks like rotten cheese.”
Sam seconded, “I didn’t even think the Halovats even had any important bases left. I sure haven’t seen any.”
“All I heard,” answered the captain, “is that they’re not even sure what to expect. They also didn’t have much time to explain things. This is the Halovats supposed HQ. Sounds to me like they had to send us out here posthaste.”
“Must be really important, then,” said Linda. “Like I said, they told me this op could end the war.”
“Plus,” added Sam with a smile, “they sent us in.” He flexed his biceps and the muscles beneath the MARPAT uniform bulged like softballs. Sam was a little over seven feet tall and weighed nearly 300 pounds. John had seen the man lift enemy soldiers of their feet with one hand and beat them unconscious with the other.
Linda, sitting across from John, was a stark contrast to Sam. She was only five foot and three inches; weighing only 160 pounds. This, however, did not make her any less dangerous than Sam. Fighting Linda in hand-to-hand combat was like fighting smoke. They were all trained in wrestling and karate, but Linda spent extra time learning Jujitsu, judo, taekwondo, kapu kuialua, and even capoeira.

The driver of the APC called over his shoulder, “ETA is 15 minutes.”
“Time to get ready, people,” John said, pulling his seatbelt off. “Let’s travel fairly light." He checked over his combat uniform and, finding everything nominal, went over to the weaponry. He grabbed a Beretta 9 millimeter and holstered it on his belt along with a couple of ammunition clips. Next he grabbed an M16 assault rifle with Masterkey attachment, which he then slung over his shoulder and two fist-sized fragmentation grenades. Sam sat up and followed John. He grabbed an M1014 combat shotgun, two dozen extra shells, an MP5, and an M1911A1 .45 handgun. John smiled at Sam’s idea of “traveling light”.
Dean grabbed a M98 Sniper rifle a prototype descendant of the M82. It had not yet been officially distributed yet, but that wasn’t the reason John was worried.
“Not this time, man,” John said gently, “this is an indoor op and we’re going to need you with us.”
“Sir,” Dean argued, “perhaps I should bring it disassembled in my pack. You may still need some cover fire if we’re out in the open.”
“Alright, but grab something closer range,” John sighed. They had this argument all the time. He didn’t doubt Dean’s skill with a long range weapon. John had seen him take out 12 targets before they even found out where the shooting was coming from. 12 shots and twelve bodies. Hell, he had even seen him perform impossible ricochet shots without even using a scope.
Although Dean had proven himself time and time again with a sniper rifle, John still feared for the man’s safety with a weapon so ineffective at close range. Dean disassembled the gun, placed it in his personal backpack, and then grabbed an M16.
Linda was the only one remaining. The first thing she grabbed were two seven-inch Ka-Bar combat knives; a force to be reckoned with in her skillful hands. After she sheathed the knives she grabbed an MP5 and a bag of M84 Flashbang grenades.
“ETA 5 minutes,” called the driver. John nodded in acknowledgment. They all strapped on their helmets triple-checked their equipment.

John looked back out the window; the battle to the south was nothing more than some flashes in the horizon. He looked out to the north, but all he saw was sand. John’s only clear order for this op was to infiltrate and destroy some kind of heavy base. Command mentioned something about a fusion reactor in the base. He had been under the impression that fusion energy was still impossible. If it did have a fusion reactor, it might be their means of fulfilling their objective. He made his way over to the collection of weapons again. Underneath the table was a box that said 12. He opened the lid and found a dozen Destroyer Anti-tank mines.
“These,” he said, gesturing towards the powerful mines, “might come in handy.” He grabbed three of the 12 inch long disks and placed them in his own pack.
"They'll make a pretty big boom," laughed Linda.

The APC came to an abrupt halt. The driver turned around again and said, “I can’t go any farther than here.”
Linda looked out at the sandy dunes. “And where exactly is ‘here’?” The driver pointed to ten o’clock.
“Out that way, ma’am,” he responded, “about a klick over that dune, there. I’m sorry I can’t get you closer, but I can’t risk getting spotted and shot to hell by their defenses.”
“Understood,” John saluted the marine. “Lets move out, Fire Team Rho.”
John, Dean, Linda, and Sam all jumped out of the LAV-25’s side-door. The armored personnel carrier kicked up large quantities of fine sand as it turned 180 degrees and sped towards the south, back towards the battle at Ra’s Gharib.

“Alright,” John ordered, “Radio silence here on out. Outward speakers and hand signals only.” His team acknowledged; they switched off their internal mic’s. Stepping carefully in the hot, loose sand, they moved to the top of the highest dune, about 15 yards ahead of them.
“I always hated walking in sand. Tires you out so darn fast, you know?” Dean quietly complained. But John wasn’t listening. Neither was Linda or Sam.
“It always gets in my bar-“ He stopped mid-syllable. As the driver of the APC had indicated, the Halovat-Bosqon base was a little over half a klick down the hill. It covered nearly a square kilometer and a half and was armed to the teeth with huge cannons and automated turrets. And it was moving their direction.


Comments and criticisms welcome.

P.S.- For some reason, when I submit it the paragraph indentations aren't there.
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You forget one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock... and
scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
bring me a rock.
-- Zapp Brannigan


Last edited by Frost on Fri Jun 23, 2006 2:18 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Azrael



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY!!!!
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Mr_Bling



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your like a fuckin Matthew Riley man! Nice!

Not that it matters but ussually when the US goes into combat, Australias lips are still attached to their ass. So they should be there too. Doesn't matter I'm just saying.
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Frost



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

....

Huh?
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You forget one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock... and
scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
bring me a rock.
-- Zapp Brannigan
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Mr_Bling



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not being rude. jus what don't you understand about what i just said?
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Frost



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nothing. Very Happy

Thanks.
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You forget one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock... and
scissors cuts paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and
bring me a rock.
-- Zapp Brannigan
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