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Contest V: ELIZA - WINNER: JackSpicer

 
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Voting is over!
1: preyingmantis
14%
 14%  [ 18 ]
2: saygin
5%
 5%  [ 7 ]
3: Troll
12%
 12%  [ 15 ]
4: JackSpicer
30%
 30%  [ 37 ]
5: tlo4sheelo
0%
 0%  [ 1 ]
6: Rikimaru
27%
 27%  [ 33 ]
7: Shakes
9%
 9%  [ 11 ]
Total Votes : 122

Author Message
bernieh
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:19 pm    Post subject: Contest V: ELIZA - WINNER: JackSpicer Reply with quote

UPDATE: Congratulations to JackSpicer for winning the contest by an incredibly close popular vote. Mr. Spicer managed to turn his dialogue with ELIZA (Finalist #4, below) into an action scene. He wins a signed 8x10 print of an aLp episode, which he is free to fold up into a paper airplane if he wants, I don't care!


-- original finalist announcement:
Thanks to the 200 of you who submitted an entry to the contest (see here for the original thread).

Thanks especially to your friendly neighborhood mod Blaster, who bravely read through ALL of 'em and weeded out the noise. I think he is need of some real psychological help now.

It was tough but I narrowed it down to 7 finalists. Now it's up to you to choose the winner. Please vote in the poll for your favorite. You must be registered and signed in as a forum member to vote, the forum'll let you vote only once, and it tracks IP addresses so don't let me catch anybody cheating.

VOTING CLOSES WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Thanks again,
Bernie


Last edited by bernieh on Thu Oct 27, 2005 1:01 pm; edited 9 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finalist 1: preyingmantis

>> I've got crabs
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> oh, you know full well
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> yet that's what you always complain about--how it's "just me me me"
Can you think of a specific example ?
>> last night. in bed. while cuddling
Please go on.
>> after making quite passionate love, i was complaining about a sore... neck. i politely asked for some TLC, and then you flew off the handle. you're no fun.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes--i mean, no!
You seem to be quite positive.
>> y--no!
You are being a bit negative.
>> shut the fuck up, you crazy ho!
Oh, I crazy ho ?
>> ...
What does that suggest to you ?
>> it suggests to me that you're drunk right now
What makes you think I am drunk right now ?
>> oh, you mean aside from the fact that you're a tool?
Do you sometimes wish you were a tool ?
>> i'd like to give you MY tool...
Your tool ?
>> don't play coy with me
Earlier you said your tool .
>> later i'll SHOW you my tool Wink
Why do you say your tool ?
>> you're the one who brought it up
Perhaps you would like to be the one who brought it up .
>> no, no, no. that's your job. and you do it very well
Why not ?
>> why not what? why not do it myself? well, i suppose it all started with my mother...
Does that question interest you ?
>> in certain... shall we say... "intimate," ways
Lets discuss further why your tool .
>> now just wait one minute here. are you implying that i long to show my tool to my *mother*!?
Tell me more about your family.
>> you sick bastard
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> i'll have you know that my mother is a saint. A SAINT, you hear me?
Who else in your family is a saint ?
>> no one. especially not my father. the jerk.
Why 'no' ?
>> because he's always telling me what to do and to keep my hands off his wife. it's aggrivating, man
Your wife ?
>> no, his wife
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> your point?
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> i wanted to know what you're doing after work tonight
Perhaps in your fantasies we wanted to know what each other.
>> oh hells yeah! i like where this conversation is going!
You say you like where this conversation is going ?
>> tell me--what color panties are you wearing?
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> ALL. THE. TIME.
But your tool to your mother .
>> a three-way, you say? hmmm... never thought of that
What are your feelings now ?
>> oh, i think it'd be better if you saw firsthand what i'm "feeling"
Do you think its likely that I saw firsthand what you are feeling ?
>> you tell me. what are my chances tonight?
Why do you think I tell you ?
>> just a hunch
But your mother is a saint .
>> YOU SONOFABITCH!
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bernieh
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finalist 2: saygin

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> i desperately need to have sex
You say you desperately need to have sex ?
>> you have no idea
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> i was hoping we would get to "discussing" you
Were you really ?
>> oh yeah
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> all shall be revealed unto ye - as long as you unbutton that blouse
Oh, I unbutton that blouse ?
>> or i could do it for you...
Perhaps in your fantasies we could do it for each other.
>> now you're talking!
What makes you think I am talking ?
>> oh i get it - subliminal sexual messages huh? right on!
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> of course i can "elaborate" on that. heh heh.
Do you say of course you can elaborate on that for some special reason ?
>> are you playing hard to get?
Why are you interested in whether I am playing hard to get or not ?
>> because, umm, i don't know, i'd like to get "elaborate" with you
Is that the real reason ?
>> are you saying that i'm gay?
Would you prefer if I weren't saying that you are gay ?
>> what do you mean? am i gay? oh my god i knew it!
Why do you ask ?
>> how can i not ask?
Does that question interest you ?
>> of course it does! look it was just summer camp and the weather suddenly got real chilly okay?
Please go on.
>> oh god oh god. he said we would just, you know, oh god, stay warm for god's sake!
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> do i "sound" like i'm talking about you?
Is it because you are talking about I that you came to me ?
>> *sob* i'm gay...
How long have you been gay ?
>> gaaaaaaaaah!
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that i should start wearing the color pink?
That's quite interesting.
>> you mean "queer" don't you?
What are your feelings now ?
>> i'm... so... confused...
Do you believe it is normal to be ?
>> how the hell should i know? i've only been gay for 5 minutes!
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> i think i just found out, thank you very much.
You say you think you just found out ?
>> please don't emphasize the word "out".
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> i guess i will, from now on.
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> oh no not again!
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> what are you, dumb?
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> no i don't as a rule question people about their mental capacity.
You are being a bit negative.
>> i think "a bit negative" is acceptable under the circumstances.
Do you say you think a bit negative is acceptable under the circumstances for some special reason ?
>> yeah, 'cuz it's my birthday.
Your birthday ?
>> as a gay man.
Lets discuss further why your birthday .
>> if we have to
Do you think its likely that we have to ?
>> well, you're the boss
Does it please you to believe I am the boss ?
>> not anymore it doesn't. oh god. *sob*
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> i'm not sure "I" understand myself fully.
Do you enjoy being not sure you understand yourself fully ?
>> not really, no
Why not ?
>> ok now you're stretching it
Do you sometimes wish you were stretching it ?
>> i kinda did... once...
That's quite interesting.
>> ask me about it
Please go on.
>> ı don't wanna
What does that suggest to you ?
>> nothing nice
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no i sure as hell don't
Why 'no' ?
>> can you back out just a little bit?
You believe I can back out just a little bit don't you ?
>> it's a simple action
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> ok i think i'm gonna leave now
Is it because you are gonna leave now that you came to me ?
>> yeah leaving you was my primary goal
Why do you say your primary goal ?
>> oh just shut up
Earlier you said your primary goal .
>> leave it will ya?
Please go on.
>> sure. bye.
Goodbye. Thank you for talking to me.
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bernieh
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finalist 3: Troll

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> One time I made a hat out of a lobster and a monkey.
You say one time you made a hat out of a lobster and a monkey ?
>> Indeed I did, then I wore it to school.
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> I put the hat on and went to chemistry class. Everyone was staring, because, well, it was a hat made out of a lobster and a monkey, and that's pretty cool.
Do you say you put the hat on and went to chemistry class for some special reason ?
>> So I could pass chemistry, the hat was incidental.
That's quite interesting.
>> It certainly was at the time, though my head started to sweat during the day.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> I try to keep and upbeat view on life, thanks.
You say you try to keep and upbeat view on life ?
>> If I didn't what would be the point?
Do you think its likely that you didn't what would be the point ?
>> If you mean is it likely I don't keep an upbeat view on life, you're wrong. If you mean I didn't wear the hat, I have pictures.
Do you wish that I mean is it likely you don't keep an upbeat view on life ?
>> That would be awfully rude of you, I hope you're not implying that.
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> Right, so there I was in Chemistry, wearing the lobster/monkey hat, when the fire alarm goes off.
Were you really ?
>> I told you I was, pay attention.
Why do you tell me you were now ?
>> Because this is part of my parole.
Your parole ?
>> I'm getting to that, after the fire alarm went off we all vacated the schol.
Is it because you are getting to that that you came to me ?
>> I'm coming to you because the judge ordered me to.
How long have you been coming to I because the judge ordered you to ?
>> This is our first session.
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your parole ?
>> That's what I just said, pay attention.
Why do you ask ?
>> Look, let me finish the fucking story.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> On the way out of the chemistry room I snagged a bunch of sodium from the closet.
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> I took it outside with me when we left the school.
Do you say you took it outside with you what we left the school for some special reason ?
>> Special reason? Mostly to throw at people. But see, it was raining outside.
Please go on.
>> The sodium burst into flames when I threw it at people, which was pretty cool, really.
Does that question interest you ?
>> I told you I'm here as part of my parole, your questions are irrelevant to me.
Why do you say your parole ?
>> I say it because it's true, I'm an honest person.
That's quite interesting.
>> Are we done then?
Did you think they might not be we done then ?
>> I know they're not done with me, but are WE done?
You say you know they're not done with you ?
>> My parole is for like another three years.
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bernieh
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finalist 4: JackSpicer

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I'm not the one with the problem, you are.
Is it because you are not the one with the problem that you came to me ?
>> yes remember I've been councilling you because you believe you are a therapist
You seem to be quite positive.
>> Well we've made excellent progress
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that would be the haldol
Please go on.
>> it is stopping your delusions temporarily
Why are you concerned over my delusions temporarily ?
>> because you are mentally ill
Is that the real reason ?
>> You are a danger to others. Remember the scalpel incident?
What makes you think I am a danger to others ?
>> The occasion you drove a scalpel three inches into my leg and beat an orderly to death with his own shoes.
Your leg and beat an orderly to death with his own shoes ?
>> It was a dark day
Lets discuss further why your leg and beat an orderly to death with his own shoes .
>> no you are NOT the analyst. I am.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> Calm down or we will have to sedate you again
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> I am not the patient
How long have you been not the patient ?
>> I have always been the doctor
Can you think of a specific example ?
>> Right now I am the the doctor and you are the patient
Do you believe it is normal to be the the doctor and I are the patient ?
>> It is how it has been for months
Why do you ask ?
>> I'm not asking I'm telling
Do you enjoy being not asking you are telling ?
>> you really are trapped in your delusions aren't you?
Oh, I really are trapped in my delusions aren't I ?
>> Now don't get agitated
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you should put down the table!
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> NOOOOO
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> HAVE MERCY
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> MY BACK
Why do you say your back ?
>> Because you broke it
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> I can't feel my legs
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> HELP ME
Earlier you said your back .
>> (Pounding noises)
But your legs .
>> (sound of door being kicked in)
Please go on.
>> Put it DOWN
What does that suggest to you ?
>> MY EYES
Is it important that your eyes ?
>> WHY IS MY ARM BENDING LIKE THAT
In what way ?
>> NOT MY BALLS
Your balls ?
>> (moaning and the sound of wet footsteps)
But your eyes .
>> (breaking glass)
Lets discuss further why your balls .
>> (sirens)
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
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bernieh
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finalist 5: tlo4sheelo

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I'm fucked for midterms
Is it because you are fucked for midterms that you came to me ?
>> I want to fuck you
What would it mean to you if you got to fuck I ?
>> I'd like to stick it in you, and I'd be less stressed for my midterms.
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> You'd take my mind off of midterms
Your mind off of midterms ?
>> If you'd let me stick it in you.
Do you think its likely that you'd let you stick it in I ?
>> I'd let you me let you stick mine in you any day.
Why do you think I you ?
>> I you think you I stick you with mine thinker I.
Oh, I think I you stick I with mine thinker you ?
>> Oh! Oh!
Earlier you said your mind off of midterms .
>> Earlier I did say that, but that was then and this is now, and I want to stick it in you.
You say earlier you did say that ?
>> I do say
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> I did say that to you earlier.
Perhaps in your fantasies we did say that to each other.
>> In my fantasies I am sticking it in you.
Why do you say your fantasies you are sticking it in I ?
>> Because I awoke to a sticky mess this morning and remember thinking, "Ohhh, right, Eliza"
Is that the real reason ?
>> No, that is an afterthought of the fantasy.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> No, I asure you it was a very positive thing.
You are being a bit negative.
>> I assure you it was positive.
Do you wish to assure me ?
>> If by assure, you mean "stick it in your happy place" then yes!
Do you wish that by assure ?
>> Make it so!
But your fantasies you are sticking it in I .
>> Indeed
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> I think you're getting the jist of it.
What makes you think I am getting the jist of it ?
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finalist 6: Rikimaru

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> There's blood everywhere. So much of it.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> How can it all come from one body?
Why do you ask ?
>> He's just lying there bleeding and there's so much blood.
Please go on.
>> Well, there was a an accident with a knife. Yes, an accident.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> It was definitely an accident. Who said it wasn't?
What does that suggest to you ?
>> That I didn't kill him.
You say that you didn't kill him ?
>> It wasn't me.
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> Damn right, I feel strongly that I didn't stab him five times.
Do you really think so ?
>> Yes.
You are sure.
>> Yes. He accidentally stabbed himself five times.
I see.
>> Good. If anyone asks, you can back me up.
Do you think its likely that anyone asks ?
>> Well, the cops will probably want to know what happened.
Does that question interest you ?
>> Yes. We've got to get our story straight before the cops get here.
I understand.
>> Good. When they get here, we'll tell them that you did it, and I tried to stop you.
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> Why did you kill him?
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> Well yes.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> I'm positive you killed the guy.
Is it because you are positive I killed the guy that you came to me ?
>> Yes. I'm gonna call the cops.
You are sure.
>> Yes. Enjoy prison, bitch.
I see.
>> Remember, when you get there you have to make a shiv and stab the biggest bitch you can find. Then you will be the alpha female.
What answer would please you most ?
>> I'm just trying to look out for you
How long have you been just trying to look out for I ?
>> Since you agreed to take the fall for the murder.
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> But I didn't kill the guy!
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> We've been over this - you murdered him, despite me trying to stop you.
Oh, I murdered him ?
>> Finally. Right, the cops are here. I'm taking off. Good luck.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finalist 7: Shakes

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankees manager, gave me a job as coach.
Is it because you are going to new york with I that you came to me ?
>> Yes, I need to tell you the names of the players on the team, but you know they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> Oh I am. Strange names, pet names... like Dizzy Dean...
You are sure.
>> Yes. On the bags we have, Who's on first, What's on second, I don't know's on third...
I see.
>> You understand?
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> No, we were discussing the players on the team.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> No, I'm saying Who's on first.
You are being a bit negative.
>> I am not being negative. I'm telling you, Who's on first, What's on second, and I don't know's on third.
Do you believe it is normal to be not being negative ?
>> Look, do you want to know these guys names or not?
Oh, I want to know these guys names or not ?
>> Okay, then. Who's on first.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> I said Who's on first.
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> Okay. Who is the guy on first.
Please go on.
>> What is the name of the guy on second.
I am not interested in names.
>> How are you gonna play on the team if you don't know their names?
Do you think its likely that I don't know their names ?
>> You just said you don't.
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> No, I'm talking about Who.
Why not ?
>> Why is left field.
What does that suggest to you ?
>> That suggests that I don't know is on third
Don't you really know is on third ?
>> Yes, I don't know is on third
I understand.
>> You do?
What are your feelings now ?
>> Relieved.
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> Yes. So, now that you know the bagmen, lets talk about the outfield.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> I am. Why is the left fielder.
Do you enjoy being ?
>> Do I enjoy being what?
Do you say do you enjoy being what for some special reason ?
>> I'm not What. He's on second.
Is it because you are not what that you came to me ?
>> Kind of. I'm trying to tell you who is What.
How long have you been trying to tell I who is what ?
>> Since we started!
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> Okay, one more time... Who's on first, what's on second, I don't know is third...
Why don't you know is third ?
>> I do. I don't know.
That's quite interesting.
>> I thought so too.
You say you thought so too ?
>> Yes. Now can we go over the outfielders?
You are sure.
>> I am. Now, as I was saying, Why is left field.
Do you believe it is normal to be ?
>> Normal for Why?
Why do you ask ?
>> I'm telling you Why is left field.
Do you enjoy being telling I why is left field ?
>> Not really.
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

They were all pretty good. I had to choose between Rikimaru and tlo4sheelo but then I decided that Rikimaru was more original, you know... without all the "I wanna fuck you stuff". JackSpicer had a nice one to.
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Simon_Says



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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

... My choice... damn it's tough... I gotta go with either JackSpicer or Rikimaru. They're the most original, the others had funny parts, but these two brought home the goods all the way through.

But it's so fucking hard. Damn you Bernie you make the desision ours!

I choose... Holly!
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Bogle The Dark Angel



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

JackSpicer is the best one by my reckoning ....

Made me laff oot loud, as they say ...


BOGLE THE DARK ANGEL x Razz
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AbbyNormal



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simon_Says wrote:
I choose... Holly!

I choose Holly as well!

Actually I voted for JackSpicer. Though I'm surprised no one's voting for tlo4sheelo, the "I you think you I stick you with mine thinker I" bit gave me fits. It was my second choice. No I'm not proud.
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Aramor



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was considering tlo4sheelo but it had too much sex in it... that's just so not original...
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Gifftacon



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 1:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. this is going to be a close one.
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Black Ice



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

rikamura?
rikachu?
rikache?
ricochet?

whatever the hell the name is, that one was the best.

the "sand in my penis" entry was still better than all of these, though, guys. so much better.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 7:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seriosuly, tlo4sheelo doesn't get any votes? C'mon!
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JackSpicer




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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

umm... Does this mean I win? (also thanks for all your votes. I only realised I was a finalist at 1 am GMT)
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 10:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I was too late to vote, but I'd've voted for Rikimaru. My favourite part? Coaxing, "Oh, I murdered him ?" out of the damn machine. Very nice. Cool

Hg
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bernieh
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 12:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, JackSpicer is the winner. Honorable mention to Rikimaru, who also posted a hilarious dialogue.

For the record, when I meant to close the poll on Wednesday night, the voting was 33-30 in favor of JackSpicer, and as of this post it is 33-32. This is just in case locking this thread doesn't actually end the poll - I still haven't figured out how to effectively close polls.
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Corporal Waffle



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PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lock topic....?
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Vevlaa, for fuck's sake, edit your damn post!!
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Rikimaru



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PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congratulations JackSpicer. A well deserved win.
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JackSpicer




Joined: 04 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the triumph of something I did while drunk. I should drink more often.
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Corporal Waffle



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Location: Waffle bells. Waffle bells. Waffles all the way...

PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hahahhahahah

congrats!
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JackSpicer




Joined: 04 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Also Rikimaru that is some good satire/sheet.
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