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More fun with grammar! Judging from the emails I get, some of you could use a dose of Dr. Grammar’s medicine. (May he R.I.P.)
True story from when I was in 6th grade. One English class, our assignment was to write our own limericks. Of course, I spent the whole period writing filthy, spanky, putrid ones (is there any other kind?) that got under Hillary Clinton’s skin, before anyone ever knew who she was. Me and my buddy David snickered at ‘em in the back the entire time. As we walked by Ms. Erickson’s desk when we were dismissed, I pretended like I was about to hand in my paper, at which David hollered, “YOU’RE REALLY GONNA HAND THOSE IN? WITH ALL THOSE CURSES????” Ms. Erickson was, of course, now verrrry interested in what I’d written.
Thinking quickly, I said, “Oh, I already threw it away.” To which Ms. Erickson retorted, “Go fish it out of the trash and show it to me!” Fuck fuck fuck. “Uh, I can’t, I don’t wanna be late to my next class.” “Well, after your next class, come back and fish it out! I want to see these ‘curses’!”
Fuck fuck fuuuuuuck. There was no way I was letting her see the foulness I was capable of. What would YOU do in this situation? That’s right, you’d do what I did - spend the entire next class writing NEW dirty limericks that weren’t as filthy as the original ones, but dirty enough to justify David’s shock at my pretending to turn ‘em in. And so I went back to Ms. Erickson after class with ‘em and did some sleight of hand at her trash can… “oh, HERE they are.”
“These are DESPICABLE, Bernie!” she screeched, “I’m VERY disappointed in you. I’m going to make you take this home, have your parents sign it, and bring it back to me tomorrow!”
So that night I wrote a THIRD set of limericks that were even LESS filthy than those, so I could stomach showing ‘em to my folks, but STILL shady enough that it’d make sense that my teacher would be angry with me. This was just to get my mom’s signature so I could forge it onto the SECOND set and give it back to Ms. Erickson. And wouldn’t you know it, the whole thing worked. And I ended up getting an A in that class at the end of the year. And I stopped hanging out with David.
Somehow, I need to figure out how to impart this level of ingenuity on my kids, without all the whole raging dishonesty thing.
Jurybreak
I did get dismissed from jury duty last week after they interviewed me for 30 seconds, but after I’d sat there doing absolutely nothing for 12 hours over 2 days. I learned a lot of interesting stuff about the process from watching and listening to everything go down, and from all the folks who emailed or twittered their jury duty stories to me - thanks…
From the dark depths of my kids’ imaginations
The scariest movie I’ve ever watched with my kids is, seriously, Finding Nemo. Yet it’s like Elaine just pulls random things from my horror movie collection for them when I’m not looking, judging from the drawings that come out of their imaginations.
The 5th picture below looked to me like some sort of H.R. Giger inspired Alien; thanks to reader Wendy for pointing out it’s a dead ringer for Onyx from Pokemon.
Happy Halloween! And let’s hope you don’t see my kids on the news tonight.
Achievement Unlocked: 10 Years
Today is my 10th wedding anniversary with Elaine. That’s crazy.
We’re on our way down to a gorgeous place near New Hope, PA for our first ever weekend without the kids! I’ll be live-blogging the whole thing, especially during our fireside massages*.
Today it’s incredible outside so when we get there we’ll be doing some lakeside biking. I’m happy to see Elaine’s wearing her aLp t-shirt that she looks totally hot in.
Happy anniversary baby, I love you.
* No I won’t.
Hey my buddy Noah and I are starting an official aLp Killzone 2 clan, just for fun, just to find some more cool folks to frag around with. If we get enough people we’ll make clan-only rooms where we’ll blow each other’s heads up. If you can’t/don’t wanna join the clan, that’s cool; we can just be friends. All skill levels welcome. If you’re interested, leave a comment here or email me with your PSN ID, your email address, and where you’re from and you’ll get an invite.
The aLp fridge magnets are back in stock! The first thing I did was plaster the mini-fridge at my office (click on the photo to the left - no the pics of my kids are not for sale).
Get yours today! Or you can come see me at my table at I-Con on April 3-5, and I’ll personally hand it to you.
Thanks to everyone who submitted photos for the Be in aLp contest! Here’s the 6 winners for your pleasurable convenience…
Thanks for all the emails and Facebook messages wishing me a happy birthday on Sunday! Not only does the internet have a way of skyrocketing the number of people who want to wish you a quick happy birthday, it also (thankfully) cuts down on the number of phone calls you have to answer. No offense to my brother, my aunt, and my mother-in-law!
Just wanted to share the birthday cards my (3-year-old) kids made for me. Here’s Rachel’s - ignore the writing:
In case it’s not obvious to you, I’m the figure on the left, Rachel’s the one diagonally down from that, and Adrian’s the one on the right, fittingly with a cupcake in its mouth.
Adrian drew what looks to be a facehugger or something attacking me:
WTF.
How would you like to star in an official aLp episode?
Saw this sign today. Can anyone figure out what it means?
I’m on vacation! So I’m coming back at you next week on Tuesday! Even though I’m at peace with going this week without an update, you can go ahead and make fun of me if you want. I’m cool with it. All I know is aLp is still weekly after my week off and I’m still having fun.
I am hard at work on something - a birthday present for Elaine, who turns umpty-ump tomorrow! I’d show you what it is but there is the very, very small chance she might read this (she usually comes by only when the mailing list tells her to). All I’ll say is it does require a lot of the same activities that go into aLp. LIKE PROCRASTINATING LOLLLL
These are the two best things I got for Christmas:
Honestly I don’t know which one I love better. Joray Fruit Rolls are so good I literally almost cry when I eat them. They’re better than sex, at least in that they’re a whole lot cheaper to have 6 at a time. Thank you Elaine, for getting them for me, and also for forgiving me for that last sentence.
So yeah I got a PS3 too, which is really not good for getting anything done. I’m playing Prince of Persia right now, though it looks like LittleBigPlanet’s on the horizon. When I get a PSN ID, I’ll let you all know what it is, unless, like photos of me wearing my suit made of Joray Fruit Rolls, it’s something that should be kept private.
Reminder, follow me on Twitter which I seem to be able to update kinda frequently, and become a fan of aLp on Facebook, if for no other reason than all the cool people are doing it.
AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
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Alien vs. PredatorTM © 2008 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. Alien and Predator toys © 2008 McFarlane Toys and TMP International, Inc. Other imagery, concept and writing © 2008 Bernie Hou. |
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