The other one was I had an apartment mate that wouldn’t do his dishes for weeks at a time and he usually fell asleep on the couch at least 5 nights a week. So we took all of his dishes and put them under the sheets on his bed, he just assumed we did his dishes for him, until a couple days later when he tried to actually sleep in his bed and had to get a new matress due to the mold on the other one.

one day, the dummy asked me to teach him chinese curse words. okay, did i mention this guy was racist and stupid? so i told him, this will really shine them on, it means something like, ‘go f ur ancestors’, so i taught him ‘wo ai ni’.

so he goes through the whole school bus screaming, ‘i love you! i love you man!’ and the best thing was, it was the same reaction he would have gotten if he told anyone to f off!

he was so damn proud of himself until i told all the chinese in the bus why he was saying that!

First, it’s important to realise that this kid doesn’t drive. He works up the street and walks the quarter mile to work every day. But he still tries bumming a ride off of me every day. He also eats nothing except for pizza, TV dinners, and Diet Coke, and is continually broke. For the first four months, he was great to live with, clean, conscientious. And then I guess the effort was just too much for him. He claims he “works too much” to help clean the apartment.

So, he gets a week off, and starts playing Diablo II on Sunday night. By Wednesday, I think he slept about 4 hours total, and only left the computer to eat. What he chose to eat, on Monday morning, was a tuna salad sandwich, which he left the remains of in the sink, along with all the other dirty dishes that he didn’t do. This stuff stinks to the high heavens after a couple of days, and is positively disgusting. On Tuesday, I asked him politely to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen. He said “Yea, sure,” and continued to play Diablo for another 24 straight hours.

Late Wednesday, I log onto Blizzard’s website, and find out the port numbers that Battle.net uses. Log into the router, (it’s attached to my computer, I have the password), and eliminate access to all of those ports. Battle.net crashes hard, and he freaks out in the other room. Like, swearing and throwing things. He spends an hour on the Blizzard tech support chat room, an hour and a half on the phone w/our ISP. At some point, there’s an UNGODLY crash, which is him throwing his CD tower across the room in frustration. And then he turns on South Park, and falls asleep watching TV.

I go to work before he gets up the next morning, and when I get home at 5 PM, the house is spotless. After spending another couple hours trying to solve the problem, he got bored and decided to clean.

It wasn’t really a prank, but it got the point across. Two days later, (when he had to go back to work), I re-opened the Battle.net ports so he could play again.

Of course, the real killer was two weeks later when he found out his ex-girlfriend was sleeping with one of my best friends. . .

c’est la vie

- V.

Guillotine wrote:
Every dorm has a mooch. They’ll usually ask for some of whatever it is that they see that you’ve got…beer, chips, glaucoma medication, whatever. But trying to keep a straight face when he walks in the room and mooches 4 pieces of ex-lax fudge is VERY challenging…

And then there was the time that we accidentally left that FM microphone on under the bed when my friend’s roommate was “having a girl over.” Needless to say, we were all grossed out when we realized that nobody else was in the room with him…

Brilliant!!!!!! (first part)

Ewwwwwwww!!!!!!!(second part)

The next morning he woke up late for work, hung over and still half asleep, and so quickly got washed, got dressed, put his jacket on and went to work. When he went to pay the taxi driver, he found himself pulling out mushy handfuls of pakora instead.

He wasn’t too happy.

The final straw came when, upon leaving the shower, I found Barney crouched over in the living room and taking a shit on a plate. “What the f**k are you doing Barn!?”

“You were in the shower, and if I’ve got to go then I’ve got to go!”

He then just frisbee’d the plate, shit on top, out of a window and into the garden. That was too much so I decided to take steps. He had a gigantic porn collection and he loved his stash like it was his own child. He even kept it in a huge, ornate wooden chest like a f*cking pirate’s treasure.

Barney went away for the weekend and I broke into the chest, unloaded the endless porn mags and proceeded to take them all apart page by page. Once I had dismembered the smut I then moved all of the furniture out of the living room and set to work.

Sunday evening Barney returns to find every wall in the living room as well as the ceiling wall papered with his prized porno collection.

It was seriously disturbing to walk into that room and be greeted with a thousand pink eyes winking at you and I couldn’t stay in there for more than a few minutes at a time, it was like being in a Butcher’s shop window during an earthquake walking around in there.

My plan kind of backfired though because Barney, once over the initial tantrum, decided he liked it and was going to keep it.

I moved out.

This was in the days before campus ethernet. He got everyone on his floor to let him install some software (hehehe), and hilarity ensued as phones one floor up started ringing continuously…..

–buddy

And then there was the time that we accidentally left that FM microphone on under the bed when my friend’s roommate was “having a girl over.” Needless to say, we were all grossed out when we realized that nobody else was in the room with him…